Hey 2015!

It's February now! So soon!

Slow progress but it's going on. I had bad Christmas and New year. And January 2015 was a crying fest for me. My hands got cold and I just kept making horrible paintings.
But then I decided "I am going to paint no matter what "MothaF@&&**"
Till I let my hands get wrecked up.

I have so much to do. And I need to get going. It's just that will I be able to? I am so scared!

I hate the month of February! For an obvious reason!

I shall Suck it up!

Good part is that me and my friend started off with our shirt brand and it's pretty good response.

Hey You!

I came back to re-read what i wrote. I came back to write down some more.
It's been months since I posted here,it was full of ups and downs. I had short happy moments though. It was fun i guess.
I came back here because I feel numb again. I am just doing nothing but wasting my time on online games again. It was my only place to keep me from thinking terrible things and not tear up.

I want to stop feeling this way. I don't want it to come back. I want to come back here writing beautiful and happy things.

So I decided to write everything from bad things and good things that have happened. And mostly write good things from now on.

There was a time I snapped and I had hard time adjusting with people. Also I was angry as to why my cousins where so mean and decided to do so as well. But they went a long way disrupting and spreading like wildfire. I finally realized how cheap they were doing and so I just went invisible when they were around. I needed to avoid them, they weren't good for my health. Though I am not always right, there is a limit to ruining someone's peace of mind. I can't believe my own cousins would do such petty things. I can't believe my cousin would steal something. I can't believe that they would do anything for attention. I decided to move out. I needed some time to grow...

I went under depression, lost weigh and gone down to 43kgs. I was sick all the time and all I could do was talk about home in my dreams. I quit my job as I was underpaid and the art was way to plagiarized plus my struggle to keep my sanity.

I went back home, I was loved and I started to blossomed. I was happy and slept dreamless nights. I baked, read tons for science books, took photographs, sold paintings and painted more. I looked for work and got it immediately. I am home and earning. I even went to meet my friends and worked on my project at a cosmopolitan city for a month. I was eying on all the handsome guys passing by...ahahaha they make good references for my art.

 I decided to "Capre Diem", by going back to my village.Booked tickets and met my mother halfway.
I had so much fun. It was worth it. I feel lighter and I took in fresh air and lots of goodness from there.

I don't know where I am heading but I saw progress in my skills. I sold my paintings and I am keeping positive attitude throughout.
I spend less time in feeling blue and more time crushing on characters from the books. I am asexual but I do like to have crushes. lol....

So looking back I guess I am on my way to get better.
 This feeling I have right now is overwhelming because I want to do something and walk on ahead with my head held high.

I want the Universe to help me out, to watch over me by bringing positive energy.

hey there!

Hey there!

I don't really know how you'll be in the future or if you ever going to live long enough to see good changes in your life or if you would ever stopped having bad strokes in every step you would take.
I really don't know what to say to you but I wish you are happy because I can't see you take the long harassment of life everyday. If you change, this would go away or at least you could stand right back up. You have bend enough to break your back, one day you might snap and never get back up again. So please tell me that you changed. I have stop caring what people compare life with you, So don't you  feel guilty and pathetic!
I have stop listening to those things because everyone has their own story. They have no right to say this to you "why do you feel nothing when the world is feeling worst that you?" You'll never be happy if you let that crap shoved down your throat..you'll always be a sick human being. If any one says that to you call for me and I will slap your pain a thousand times on their faces till they see how ugly you feel. Remember not only you but everyone cries the most not for others but for themselves.  Now you see? how we are all self centred and conceited? words twisted this way demands justification even though you don't mean to be this way but when some does say it in this manner, the finger is pointed at you. It didn't make you any better person for being unhappy. I don't have any answer to what you were feeling at that time because I never knew the question to ask you. I still don't have it and I am sorry, very sorry that I fail to help you. I am sorry that I left you all alone in the end to deal with yourself when you needed a warm hand. I am sorry!
So tell me you changed....for your own sake...don't end it short like you always decided to even though in the end you are the only thing you've got....Hey there!... live!

bucket list

It's been long that I haven't been blogging! And reading back my post is so depressing haha!
I am trying to be very happy. I am getting by and it looks brighter. though it's always up and down. Making best with what i have. I feel like running away sometimes. Life seems very awesome and terrible at the same time.
Funny fails from my bucket list..not in order:
Marijuana: My friend found an illegal site of weed growing outskirt. He dodged the watchful eye of the security guarding that place . Stole a bush-full and stored at the back of his car and I took some home. But the worst part.They were fresh plants and didn't know what the hell to do with it. It was rotting on my back balcony finally i threw it away (pigeons were nesting there). Just kept a leave on my charm box as a souvenir. I never would know what is like "feeling high".
LSD: Well my another dope friend decides to get me one blot but i couldn't find time to meet him. Later told me he was so bored at the hotel that he had my share of the blot that was for me. Hilarious! So another failed attempt to get my hands on drugs. I never actually met him...Great!

Other than that I am quitting my job and planning to do my own stuffs for a while. I have been vandalized by stingy people but hey! they are everywhere.
I spoke to my mother and she decides to let me go to do my own thing now. I am still on my own and planning to fend for myself like i always did.
Maybe she saw how miserable I was being pulled by strings or maybe not.

I still haven't made much friends.

Hmmm there is so much to do....might as well start with one and finish it well (not drugs from my list but rather radical thing that will make my life a like colorful).

deep love

I never thought my tears could roll out so easily.
When I thought I couldn't cry...
When i had no hope for future....
when adults lives are filled with filth and pure ugliness...
I still have to figure out my existence.
It is so blank..
But i still live on and kept on going....
And it is because the lessons that  i learn, books that i read and people I observe made me learn the good and bad and the choices we can choose.
They fill my blankness in a good way and in a bad way. I stumble but I try to get back up again and again.
Is it worth it...?
When i thought i have no heart...what does this excruciating pain in my chest...?
I'm tired of being multifaceted character who fools herself the most..
When i don't appreciate myself why do i live on?
I found an answer...People out there. I mean some people out there decided to work hard to protect someone they feel they must with all there heart no matter what...It changes them like they change the one they protect. And in return the Universe conspires to help them and spread on to reach out to individual such as me....That's Why I keep on hoping...   hoping..

once again

it's been long since I've been writing. I have completely shut myself from opening up into poetry and updates my vent like a petty drama female in facebook. Planning to completely deactivate my account. Become me once again like I was before. I have been doing nothing but wasting my time sleeping and playing online games. I have put all my insecurities at bay by forgetting it while wasting the year. I have wasted enough so I must wake up. I have shunned everything important . It's not anyone's fault. It's me that I have to cope up with. It took time ( wasted ) for me to understand my weakness. The thing is that I don't want to compromise in anything so people might take it as being selfish (like my big sister explained). Moreover  I keep getting ill and my health issues are taking toll on me. And these sickness are minor cold and fever but very frequently. My immune system is so weak . I cannot  stay without  my tissue box anywhere I go. I sneeze like a monster grunting and everyone laughs at it. So I decided to take all sorts of vitamins prescribe to me and do some stretching.  So from now on I have to work on both my professional life , my health as well as for my future studies.  I do wish my life was a bit easier.

Apart from these misery, I have to work on my illustrations for the next year comic con. Me and my friend decided to open a booth . Hopefully we get a chance to cosplay too. 

I have very little time to complete these task and I hope I can finish almost all the things important.

Right now listening to phoenix songs and youtopia by Armin ft. Adam young.

Funny how I ends up like this again. It hurts but well I think I'm getting better.

somethings change.

It's been months that i didn't blog. I have been away from my time to think and reflect. I have been busy with work after my rejection by the universities that i would like to go and the ones I would have got in was frigging expensive.
So another year pass by. Sigh!
Have been loving what I'm doing right now and i hope I will find the reason of "not now my dear! just hold on".
It's 6:04 in the morning and I haven't sleep a wink. I just couldn't go off to sleep. Today I got to go to work and I wonder how i will survive.
My mind is not at peace and I can't calm it down. So I thought I should just write something.

The problem is I cannot understand what I'm feeling. And how to cope with my life. It's not going according to plan. I felt pathetic and sad when I was listening and singing to coldplay's song "Fix you". All I could ask for now is not to doze off during work hours.
I need to make friends and start something that makes me happy. It's way to much now to deal with others perception and assumptions and their expectations. I will not hate myself anymore. A little bit of confident I need to gain to just not be like those girls in the manga, so frigging fragile and put off. Ugh! I hate their situation that they are always in. In reality true friends are hard to find and sometimes I need to take initiative to make one.
Besides being weird,I have been ill for a long time. I hope i never get sick anymore.
Great now i'm sleepy. :/