what i think about most today...

Today is 25th of march 2011 after my insane venting out through writing, I remember that my Ielts result will be out today. I want to go to the corner and cry right now. But thinking about my Dad, I know where to set my prayers first. He had fell severe ill with asthma along with fewer and his medical results will be out today. I pray that he is normal and that everything will be just fine with him. Both mom (taking care of my dad) and dad is in the hospital ......while am howling about my life.....i wish i was with him right now....feel a bit closer to him and not worry about anything but him....

a mess?

a continuation..
Where have I gone wrong? I cannot figure this out. I sometimes wish that I want to be those people who gets their life going on smoothly without any haste or any trouble on their way. Like their life is so good that they seems to get by everyday. These are only few people who get their things done effortlessly. What do they have that I don't have? how do they get it while I have to push myself or find no option till i needed to cry. Now that my life is spinning so fast, I can't breathe nor can I think for a second. Every decision i made is falling apart. I can't get a grip of what is more important and what is right. I fear that I'm going to go insane. Things like my computer gets conked every time while i paid half a lakh for it. My college gave me nothing but time to kill experimenting with art. Everything I learn was by making mistakes in everything I do. Even writing this makes my hand tremble with sadness and fear. I've tried to do my best in whatever I learned. Since my college days I've turn insecure and lazy, afraid to break out of my cave. I hate myself in everything I do. Sometimes I wonder that an asylum suits me better to settle in. How can I proof anyone that my college didn't provide me proper education. Now that I've graduated, my juniors are learning so many things that my college didn't even introduce it to my badge. I feel ashamed even holding my certificate. Because deep down I know "it is a piece of shit". It hurts to even write something bad about my college but I can't help it any longer. Where have I gone into? What a mess my portfolio is! Will anyone accept it and let me in their universities.Apart from my college,my sickness, every time and every month,I get sick for no reasons. Oh! how am I suppose to deal with it. Just when i feel better, I fall ill. What on earth am I in? I feel I'm so wrong, like I was born wrong? Something went off......??
What is that I cannot succeed for once in my life and be normal? A life I have only one and not more. How am I suppose to know of what i could do?
I always say to myself let it go and "It happens" "for good" but it all comes back in. I always find myself asking "why everything gangs up on me?" I feel like a lump and helpless. Now that it happens all the time, my tears couldn't come out easy anymore.
I don't want to miss my studies this year, I want it so bad, I want to learn and excel but how am i suppose to make it happen? how am i suppose to tell the universities Oh! my computer, My health! My life is screwed!! Please consider me? *A SLAP ON MY FACE IT IS*
I don't know where to go......whom to be able to talk to....no one....it is my decision to make...isn't it......But look at me.....I am a mess!

inferiority_complex

More than inferior complex

The brain of mine have jumbled world to find

Along the missing letters lie the clues

But poor little brain had not long used

It twitched a little to get started

Long hours of reviving, the world has parted

Blame not the age of mine

But something along the line

My inferiority complex gave a lump

That my life was in a crumb

I never felt ease within

In school I had never fit in

Slow poke I was

Withdrawn by many distrust

Wondered all my life

If I was able to cut bad parts with knife

Abandon in my misery for a reason I still cannot explain

But tried to do my best in whatever I can

I smiled in my misfit thinking it was cooler

As it dragged on, I depressed myself sooner

I walked to the gloomy side, there no one bothers

I was like the freak lurking in corner

As I watch my life in the midst of making tomorrow passes by

I bit my prime life a bitter goodbye.

Tsunami and earthquake in japan

I was thinking about Japan pass few days. I found out when I was in the google front page, just below the search box. 8.9 magnitude and warnings to the rest of the countries like New Zealand, Indonesia, Philippines, Papua New Guinea and so on. It was on that day I knew the country was in chaos. I immediately watch the video which was happening live. I was in horror. The North east region had been the worst hit but even the cities like Tokyo was in turmoil. The videos, articles online with footage was saddening. After all this dead and rubble, the most shocking was the explosion of nuclear power plant in Fukushima. People have to evacuate from that area in danger to radiation leak. It is so unfortunate to these people after all the chaos that have been coming. I'm sure The citizens are shaken by the horror that dawn upon them. As far as I know about the damages, the economy of this country must have suffered severely. I wonder how everything is going to turn out and i mean not only this country but the whole world. I'm sure the world will help them and they will stand again. Apart from Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombing these has been a history.I pray for them. I pray for there safety.