Life it is so difficult to live I would say.... with a purpose to be specific.
I would not want to live if I keep living like this for the rest of the days ahead. But again you never know what life throws at you or that you might not have tomorrow. I'm seriously not making sense and I'm being in deep pot hole where I can't see where I am heading to. It is a pain for me to keep up with the world. I can't....
Even my thoughts and view are troublesome during working hours. Yeah finally I am working like an adult. But my work hasn't being productive or constructive. I need to get this feeling out of my system or else the project will fail. Being a part of this field that I'm in is confusing and got no specific holidays or timing to it. It calls you anytime and it is no one day wonder. I'm getting meager pay for sure ( we never discussed about the pay after I have given my digits that I expect). I will miss Christmas and two weddings of my very close cousins. I haven't been to my village where my mother and father grew up for ages (8 or 10 years? or I'm bad in math and numbers) I have no good memory of those days. All these writing doesn't make any sense to what I wanted to actually express. I can't be honest so I'm running round and round with my thoughts.
What i really want to know what my life suppose to be?
I don't think where I am right now is not where my life should be?
I need to figure out what I should be doing...But I do fear that for this I have to start all over again. If that happens I don't want my parents to be dragged on it.
What I dream that I can apply to?
I dream of a warm khaki pant and a white shirt giving out something that I can't see it.
I not just sitting but talking, holding hands, giving out something.
I see that I'll be laughing and crying there. Moving about places to places... again papers and giving out something. Writing...it's vague but I feel good when I see it.
Am I Retarded? Maybe a postman! lol!
or just day dreaming.
I'm an inch close to quit my job before I kill myself.....
Don't be like me! Be stronger...I'm just a facade that shows everything is well. Well I keep that because I can never be honest to my feelings. I have reasons to keep to myself. But if you have anyone you know that will be there for you no matter what you say, Say it with honest truth no matter what the outcome will be.
My life will slowly grow gloomier and gloomier within me so I keep my dream alive. My imagination has always keep me warm even though my hands and feet are all numb with cold (my Heart). Those places I go is something this life doesn't provide. So even If I stand in front of the mirror looking at my face, I practice to fight back tears (i do succeed many times) and smile like an idiot. No matter how pathetic life can be....just hang on till you rise up or fade away. It would be life worth waiting to see you shine and it would not be a trouble some if you died before anything happened...at least you didn't kill yourself which is like the most coward thing to do....So I say to you or myself that I will love you no matter how bad in a shit hole you are dwelling...I will shake your hand and and hug you and kiss you....lol... i mean a gesture of a bond to tell you that I care... Am I alone? I don't think so....there maybe somewhere around the corner trying to figure it out to....Or maybe I am the only pathetic homo sapiens who is a failure of the survival of the fittest. Anyhow just be.....
I would not want to live if I keep living like this for the rest of the days ahead. But again you never know what life throws at you or that you might not have tomorrow. I'm seriously not making sense and I'm being in deep pot hole where I can't see where I am heading to. It is a pain for me to keep up with the world. I can't....
Even my thoughts and view are troublesome during working hours. Yeah finally I am working like an adult. But my work hasn't being productive or constructive. I need to get this feeling out of my system or else the project will fail. Being a part of this field that I'm in is confusing and got no specific holidays or timing to it. It calls you anytime and it is no one day wonder. I'm getting meager pay for sure ( we never discussed about the pay after I have given my digits that I expect). I will miss Christmas and two weddings of my very close cousins. I haven't been to my village where my mother and father grew up for ages (8 or 10 years? or I'm bad in math and numbers) I have no good memory of those days. All these writing doesn't make any sense to what I wanted to actually express. I can't be honest so I'm running round and round with my thoughts.
What i really want to know what my life suppose to be?
I don't think where I am right now is not where my life should be?
I need to figure out what I should be doing...But I do fear that for this I have to start all over again. If that happens I don't want my parents to be dragged on it.
What I dream that I can apply to?
I dream of a warm khaki pant and a white shirt giving out something that I can't see it.
I not just sitting but talking, holding hands, giving out something.
I see that I'll be laughing and crying there. Moving about places to places... again papers and giving out something. Writing...it's vague but I feel good when I see it.
Am I Retarded? Maybe a postman! lol!
or just day dreaming.
I'm an inch close to quit my job before I kill myself.....
Don't be like me! Be stronger...I'm just a facade that shows everything is well. Well I keep that because I can never be honest to my feelings. I have reasons to keep to myself. But if you have anyone you know that will be there for you no matter what you say, Say it with honest truth no matter what the outcome will be.
My life will slowly grow gloomier and gloomier within me so I keep my dream alive. My imagination has always keep me warm even though my hands and feet are all numb with cold (my Heart). Those places I go is something this life doesn't provide. So even If I stand in front of the mirror looking at my face, I practice to fight back tears (i do succeed many times) and smile like an idiot. No matter how pathetic life can be....just hang on till you rise up or fade away. It would be life worth waiting to see you shine and it would not be a trouble some if you died before anything happened...at least you didn't kill yourself which is like the most coward thing to do....So I say to you or myself that I will love you no matter how bad in a shit hole you are dwelling...I will shake your hand and and hug you and kiss you....lol... i mean a gesture of a bond to tell you that I care... Am I alone? I don't think so....there maybe somewhere around the corner trying to figure it out to....Or maybe I am the only pathetic homo sapiens who is a failure of the survival of the fittest. Anyhow just be.....
