being

It's already 5:50 in the morning and I haven't slept. I'm stuck with a logo (for a week now) that is sad to look at. Today is my last submission day and has already set to mail it.
I was told not to compare myself to others because I don't know what they have been through.
I did not get it first, so ask for a little explanation which I received eventually. In this process I was wondering Am I? I didn't know or didn't realize that I do? You never know how you present yourself and don't see it or do it without thinking what others feels.
Grr. Dumbness has got me. Explanation received :I tend to compare others and I think I'm worthless and that I am not ok...but is that all...?.
I want to be a better person.
All I could write back was I won't compare myself to other with a " ;_______;"clueless of what to say.
This has made me read back my older post if I could figure it out. What made P.S me in that status?
I hope no one has been getting the wrong reasons here.
I'll keep this in my mind " to be a better person".

I still haven't received my mail....which is depressing.

over thinking?

I woke up over a most horrible answer I received from an "so called evangelist in my dream." I woke up and can't go back to sleep. It was 1:33 am in the morning.
And whenever I dream bad or anything I always go back to my old house, I use to live in. It's creepy. My nightmares/am uneasy feelings subsided when we shifted. It's not only me but my parents and my siblings gets in this sort often too. But they don't tell me the full story.

I want to laugh because now my dreams don't make sense to me. They are not that creepy anymore.

As far as I can remember, today my dream started somewhere the back of the old house. There was an out house. I was in my old room and was talking to my elder sister. After few minutes of chatting I decided to sleep and was fixing the door curtains attaching the sides with clutches (huh? what was i trying to do?). While doing that I saw two foreigner, I mean blonde, fair lady and a man were sitting in that old outhouse, who happened to noticed me. That lady was approaching toward me and I just felt she is going to preach about something that I have heard a hundred times in Church and somewhere stopped abruptly while walking down the streets. I tried to quickly get the curtains down and go to sleep. But she just didn't notice the signs of not being invited. She came in to my room and started talking. I want to see her face but was not clear and in my dream it's always dim lighted. It is never bright. Only once in a blue moon I get to see shimmers, moon, lights but no sun.
She said that both of us sisters have been facing problems and that she want to help us by praying for us. I was like there you go........She kept both of her hands on each of our heads and bow down to prayer or something. After a while she says to me "You want to have sex!". I was like What? This is what you found out? I mean I was puzzled and was trying to figure it out. She said "You want sex!" again. I was like what rubbish...She turns to my sister and said you have some..... problems (I don't remember) God as I write my recollection is fading of.  I ask my sister what that lady mean that I want sex?. The lady told me something that really offended me that I started telling her I have never set that as my priority in life "to want sex" and ask her if she truly are trying to figure me out why don't you see the things I'm hurt about and see what I exactly want.
I woke up so pissed! ahahhahaa!

waiting feels like forever

I'm so scared to death that I'm shaken.
I haven't received any news about "it". What if I didn't get it?
Maybe I should have asked them then punishing my heart making it anxious.
I feels like walking somewhere you don't even know.
 What do I do?

to have nothing

Sometimes the truth comes out from someone when it comes to a certain point of discussion, it can be a joke or a common statement.
I still pretend not to notice so that the person who slipped it out wouldn't feel awkward.
Actually I want to cry ahahaha!. I'm too clear to read minds which puts me in a lot of fake moments. Now I'm tired. I guess I'm overly nice or looks stupid , who is easily judge for being like this. I'm tired of making people feel happy or me being too concerned about them and making a fool out of myself. I have never really done anything for myself.
I'm hurt being looked down upon for the life I'm living now. When I know everyone has been through this phases in their lives but no one sees their own because they are happy now.

I'm hurt being one of those people who needs to really roughen up to get things done or achieved something than those people who easily gets it. No matter how morally right you are.

People says these kinds of people always faces struggle the most and only self can save them. And also if they are lucky enough to be supported by good omen and  through prayers it is possible for them to have a little sunshine on their cold feet, that's all.

Maybe I'm not good enough for anything.Sometimes I wonder what had happened to me? Why I turned out so gloomy?
I'm tired. I can't carry on like this. I might crash like the system crashes with overload. At least I have the strength to come this far. In a way my siblings never gave up and everyone just have too much expectation on me that I might not able to achieve. I'm already shaken here in fear of losing them and losing my little confidence I earn after so long.

I can kick some asses for sure, few tasted it and knows how it feels to be abused. I always want to be a strong character. Maybe this is it that I'll be smiling when I please from here on and not bother how to make others feel when I have tried to be so warm and try to make other smile in return to get hurt in the process. I'm not dumb innocent anymore and have been pushed around and everywhere for quiet long. Like my sister says "It's high time you understand how it works and it's not fairy tale world anymore where friends will be great friend or sisters or cousins will not look out for you". No one sees the way it is but will called you names. Thought it stinged me, I guess that is it.

Now I have nothing. But while I'm facing it, I'll be brave, I don't need go telling everyone, I just need to walk away from them and in time they would know how it feels like.

I'm tired of begging, it taught me to be humble and I know how others feel like that I get carried away but it has got me lots of bruises in the process, that I'm ashamed of showing my skin.

I wish my heart didn't pain so much when I thought I don't have one. I have been lying to myself for so long.

Oh NO!

I have thoroughly confused the reader with my motivational letter that I have sent. That's what I feel they must have been.
My selection looks so grim that i will bury myself somewhere
I'm going crazy here thinking about my crappy letter. I want to scream so bad "why zing why? do you get nervous and hex your own writing".
How I'm I going to explain? I don't have anything to say.
And what If I don't get it. I just have 24 hours to know it and it's killing me :/
 I want cry actually. Thank God they didn't ask for LOR, because my Dean sates "She is by nature shy and reserved however her innate abilities...yadayada!" Also I seems to be an excellent story teller...waaah my siblings thinks my story writings/poem are as gloomy as a dark cave.
Who would want a shy and a reserved student as a student in their university?....But I thank her very much for stating the activities I have participated. just in case they ask to send it (most likely not).
What I'm going to do? I already having Panic exhaustion!

Anxious with horrible day but I'm glad nothing serious

I'm going crazy and is shaken. I'm so scared about 23rd of April. I can't think straight and can not concentrate on anything. I really want it and I don't want to miss this opportunity. I don't want my parents to worry over me anymore. I don't know what is what and how I'm going to react if anything bad or good happens. I'm already dying in misery!
The things I have learned and the things I want to learn. I can't act like a senile when my cousins are around so I pretend to listen to music and play diamond dash. I hover around facebook like gazillion times and comment on the so called for me,  revolutionary photographs and about my tribe (NAGA) pages to get me hooked with my views/ foster world knowledge as well as for vocabulary improvement. Half of the time I end up criticizing.
 My logo design is so sad that when I saw it today, I closed my eyes and open to  check if it was the my mood that make it look like the way I saw it. No help! :(

I went to meet  my close cousin today. Her apartment is so beautiful. On the way wet cement drizzled down and hit my eyes. I thought I was going blind and my eyes were burning. There was construction going on and the place has got such a tiny lane that I couldn't do anything to escape. And on the way back this morning it sprinkled down lump some and I was clothed with dotted lumps of cement all over. And these happen in two different places. !how furious! I wanted to swear out so loud but I couldn't. I was looking for any person up on the building to tell him to be more careful but saw no one. The shopkeeper who saw me told me I have to wash my head immediately. Like it was so helpful *sigh* .

A day before I lost the cash my cousin whom I'm staying with, gave it to me. Though I did warn her that my track Capri-pants pocket is funny (I regret buying the reebok that I have, the pocket won't hold anything) but again I wouldn't complain. I was taking photographs and forgot all about my funny pockets that let to falling out. I searched everywhere I had been. She wanted to buy beer with it! I felt so bad. She decide to hurry home and relax while I decided to take one more round. But did not find it. I called my elder sister saying what should I do and how would she feel if I just give her from my part. Since my sister knows her well (in terms of understanding people), she told me to be more careful and do what I thought. I prayed that someone deserving found it and left. Well walking out from the park, I was thinking that I should have not bend to collected abandon chips packets (these people don't have the sense to throw it even if the dustbins are arms length away and are everywhere you walk or run) or hunt for lady bugs. I was disappointed with those gardeners of the park who cut off the plants in the midst of the woods. They were their homes. ;____;

I had plans to steal some amount of soil to plant some tomatoes and ginger. But lost track with the loss.

But the days were good, I was safe and ate the most grand food at my cousin's place, me and my brother never could cook it. My Brother and my cousin's fiance had to decided to wear a stretchable pants just for the dinner. How hilarious!

I had red wine but I can never compare the wine I tasted when I was in Bangalore. Thanks to my close friend who invited me there. Though it was awkward to be around with couple (both are my friends but still) and me in the middle. It was like a date and with me in it. It was uncomfortable. I decided to say no if that ever to happened.

Phew! At least I didn't pass out thinking about 23rd. God! I can only hope! I can't sleep until an answer is with me and hoping it for good. Good grief!

Words

Sometimes I don't even realize what I say can affect a person in different ways. Sometimes I don't mean it the way it came out from my mouth or the way I write it.
Until I felt it myself.
So from that day onwards I made sure how it may sound.
I have never really swore or curse at someone unnecessarily.

Maybe it's my personality and lack of social-interaction (But I'm so much better now. "Thank GOD". ). I'm very self-centered because in my life it was only me and myself for quiet long. People take it as arrogance! Yes it is I guess! All the troubles and anxiety is all about me and nothing for others.
School sucks no matter how many good things I tried to recall ,so is my High school and then on.
But I realize those stage was a phase of opening up along with misunderstanding and weirdness. I was like a blank page. What ever was written on me, I acted that way. Until I met few patient friends who dragged me out and dealt with me. I'm not any addict of any sort or did really horrible things one would imagine. I was simply unresponsive. And then I realized I need to change. But I became very shy (I hated those days). I would just bury my face somewhere. Never could decide myself on anything and people thought I was delicate or something. Some thought I was a total bitch *laughs* in my way.


Funny and sad part is that it's a mixture of someone calling me Lesbian and weirdo. I'm not attracted to girls that way, I just can be more comfortable and more caring to them than other gender. I tend to try to make them happy thinking this could happen to anyone of us someday. Putting in their shoes in my thoughts was the result to people making them to mistake me as a lesbian. I was so worn out that I agreed at some point and that's when my closest friend came to rescue in those gossip moments.
Some people even thought it was cool (male classmates and senior) and one of them even asked me "how it feels like". Later my friend caught hold of him and brushed off all the crap. Good part is that we all became good friends and finally he knows I'm not a lesbian.

I do not know what the opposite sex thinks of me and I'm least bothered, unless they ruin any moment or chances, just in case I like someone. I'm a female and it's natural to like someone but the problem is I never really did. Even if I did like anyone nothing goes further than I can draw this person or make him act like this character an whatever bull crap I can think of. The most extend of the word liking went to a person, I looked up too for his kindness and taking me seriously. He was my only friend during the dark moments. He is not perfect but he was got me and felt shocked that he accepted me as a normal human girl.

Back to the point. I have the tendency to be blunt or ignorant in terms of understanding they way other wants you to understand.(I'm improving  in these terms!!) I tend to make people confused with my not so loud voice/tone and I get jumbled with my words as soon as I try to make sense. I come out stupid and naive. And then when I get loud, they're surprise (hardly had happened) I'm too concerned of how people might feel and how to make them feel than about myself (when it comes to things not feelings).

It's scary sometimes to be me, like thinking too much and having different instances for one thing that makes you have different personality at different times.