deep love

I never thought my tears could roll out so easily.
When I thought I couldn't cry...
When i had no hope for future....
when adults lives are filled with filth and pure ugliness...
I still have to figure out my existence.
It is so blank..
But i still live on and kept on going....
And it is because the lessons that  i learn, books that i read and people I observe made me learn the good and bad and the choices we can choose.
They fill my blankness in a good way and in a bad way. I stumble but I try to get back up again and again.
Is it worth it...?
When i thought i have no heart...what does this excruciating pain in my chest...?
I'm tired of being multifaceted character who fools herself the most..
When i don't appreciate myself why do i live on?
I found an answer...People out there. I mean some people out there decided to work hard to protect someone they feel they must with all there heart no matter what...It changes them like they change the one they protect. And in return the Universe conspires to help them and spread on to reach out to individual such as me....That's Why I keep on hoping...   hoping..

once again

it's been long since I've been writing. I have completely shut myself from opening up into poetry and updates my vent like a petty drama female in facebook. Planning to completely deactivate my account. Become me once again like I was before. I have been doing nothing but wasting my time sleeping and playing online games. I have put all my insecurities at bay by forgetting it while wasting the year. I have wasted enough so I must wake up. I have shunned everything important . It's not anyone's fault. It's me that I have to cope up with. It took time ( wasted ) for me to understand my weakness. The thing is that I don't want to compromise in anything so people might take it as being selfish (like my big sister explained). Moreover  I keep getting ill and my health issues are taking toll on me. And these sickness are minor cold and fever but very frequently. My immune system is so weak . I cannot  stay without  my tissue box anywhere I go. I sneeze like a monster grunting and everyone laughs at it. So I decided to take all sorts of vitamins prescribe to me and do some stretching.  So from now on I have to work on both my professional life , my health as well as for my future studies.  I do wish my life was a bit easier.

Apart from these misery, I have to work on my illustrations for the next year comic con. Me and my friend decided to open a booth . Hopefully we get a chance to cosplay too. 

I have very little time to complete these task and I hope I can finish almost all the things important.

Right now listening to phoenix songs and youtopia by Armin ft. Adam young.

Funny how I ends up like this again. It hurts but well I think I'm getting better.

somethings change.

It's been months that i didn't blog. I have been away from my time to think and reflect. I have been busy with work after my rejection by the universities that i would like to go and the ones I would have got in was frigging expensive.
So another year pass by. Sigh!
Have been loving what I'm doing right now and i hope I will find the reason of "not now my dear! just hold on".
It's 6:04 in the morning and I haven't sleep a wink. I just couldn't go off to sleep. Today I got to go to work and I wonder how i will survive.
My mind is not at peace and I can't calm it down. So I thought I should just write something.

The problem is I cannot understand what I'm feeling. And how to cope with my life. It's not going according to plan. I felt pathetic and sad when I was listening and singing to coldplay's song "Fix you". All I could ask for now is not to doze off during work hours.
I need to make friends and start something that makes me happy. It's way to much now to deal with others perception and assumptions and their expectations. I will not hate myself anymore. A little bit of confident I need to gain to just not be like those girls in the manga, so frigging fragile and put off. Ugh! I hate their situation that they are always in. In reality true friends are hard to find and sometimes I need to take initiative to make one.
Besides being weird,I have been ill for a long time. I hope i never get sick anymore.
Great now i'm sleepy. :/

Lovely complex

I was watching re-runs of lovely complex and funny thing is that some parts of Risa personalty reflected and brought me tears. I never cry for silly reasons or for anime. I haven't cried when I first watched it. The third re-runs just got me tears. I'm nothing like Risa though. I'm totally pessimistic and gloomy compared to her.

Despite being taller than the one she loves "Otani" she never let this complex get in her way and that is what I admire about her. That is why she found happy ending.

I cried when she repeated "bear....bear cu.r...ry" Bear...." over and over again .She was unable to hide her broken heart from her closest friends when she was rejected.
I admire her that she tried not to show that she was hurt by crying in front of "Otani" when she was rejected by him.

She also tried not to shed tears when she overheard him saying she wasn't anything special.
But in the end their love story was the cutest. And I have no such love stories. I just felt Risa's personality and that got me tears ;____;. Now I want to laugh.

apart from that.....

I've been rejected by college twice and twice is as hard blow as being known as for no good.
The first gave me to understand that I didn't meet the standards and the second one made me lose confidence.
Sometimes I doubt myself that I'm such a loser and good for nothing. Thinking why I turned out like this?
I don't want to live in regret for choosing the path that I'm walking. I don't want to regret for being what I am today for the regret that I went college not on my own will but decision made by older siblings. But I don't blame them. My world is smaller and didn't know much beyond my borders. I need to be guided then. It's where I came from and I'm not ashamed of it. People would call me a late bloomer /looser? but it didn't budge my confidence down. The problem was, I lost that zeal after stepping in the world much wider and confusing. There were all sort of things I didn't know and good things was fading away from me. I never really had a peace of mind during Bangalore.
Now I feel that foreigner in the church was sort of rite or guessed right while he was so called in touch with the "Holy Spirit". I did laugh at him when he say "Lord give her peace of mind" I expected more about my problems. I mean more elaborate. I guessed the Holy Spirit have no time for late bloomers like me. I guessed I was scared of letting everyone hate me and not be my friend. Or I guess I was afraid to make mistakes.

My dreams of finding the purpose has become smaller and smaller. I have shun my emotions so bad now I'm living a "fake me". I just don't want to do anything and even if I do, I'm never satisfied. Looking in the mirror scares me the most.

I hate to admit it writing and if I read this as a visitor I would find this as rubbish wannabe victim. I seriously not want what I am, (in present) but for good I'm changing. I'm making sure I perk up and try making things look happy in everything I do.
My real wishlist
#to have true friends or at least 1 true friend.
#to be confident
#to not give up
# to know exactly what I want to do
# to make my heart a better place

Even if I want to cry, I can't. For I don't have my private room and cousins are home. It's embarrassing ahahahahaha!
I want to be a better person. I never want to be left out alone in the dark. (I still remember that day when my so called friends after math class left me walking alone in the dark, powers cuts and it was thundering so bad . I dragged myself home. I was too shocked to cry or think properly. I was shaken but never told my parents. I thought the trees were not trees and howling .The road felt like it will never end though it was just 15 minutes walk. It was dark and cold. I still feel it now when I think about it. But what I remember the most was when I couldn't see anything while walking down, I felt a warmness touch my back and spread all around me. Like I was being hugged or wrapped around with a warm blanket. That feeling got me walk faster and faster till I reached my gate and it left me. Before shutting my eyes, I felt happy and since then I never let thing gets me down.)
Oh my sort of last wishlist: Just found out while writing about the incident.
# to feel that warmness again (and hope it never leave me)

And if I can only pick one of my wishlist. I would chose the last wish on my list.
If I have this I think I never give up.

being

It's already 5:50 in the morning and I haven't slept. I'm stuck with a logo (for a week now) that is sad to look at. Today is my last submission day and has already set to mail it.
I was told not to compare myself to others because I don't know what they have been through.
I did not get it first, so ask for a little explanation which I received eventually. In this process I was wondering Am I? I didn't know or didn't realize that I do? You never know how you present yourself and don't see it or do it without thinking what others feels.
Grr. Dumbness has got me. Explanation received :I tend to compare others and I think I'm worthless and that I am not ok...but is that all...?.
I want to be a better person.
All I could write back was I won't compare myself to other with a " ;_______;"clueless of what to say.
This has made me read back my older post if I could figure it out. What made P.S me in that status?
I hope no one has been getting the wrong reasons here.
I'll keep this in my mind " to be a better person".

I still haven't received my mail....which is depressing.

over thinking?

I woke up over a most horrible answer I received from an "so called evangelist in my dream." I woke up and can't go back to sleep. It was 1:33 am in the morning.
And whenever I dream bad or anything I always go back to my old house, I use to live in. It's creepy. My nightmares/am uneasy feelings subsided when we shifted. It's not only me but my parents and my siblings gets in this sort often too. But they don't tell me the full story.

I want to laugh because now my dreams don't make sense to me. They are not that creepy anymore.

As far as I can remember, today my dream started somewhere the back of the old house. There was an out house. I was in my old room and was talking to my elder sister. After few minutes of chatting I decided to sleep and was fixing the door curtains attaching the sides with clutches (huh? what was i trying to do?). While doing that I saw two foreigner, I mean blonde, fair lady and a man were sitting in that old outhouse, who happened to noticed me. That lady was approaching toward me and I just felt she is going to preach about something that I have heard a hundred times in Church and somewhere stopped abruptly while walking down the streets. I tried to quickly get the curtains down and go to sleep. But she just didn't notice the signs of not being invited. She came in to my room and started talking. I want to see her face but was not clear and in my dream it's always dim lighted. It is never bright. Only once in a blue moon I get to see shimmers, moon, lights but no sun.
She said that both of us sisters have been facing problems and that she want to help us by praying for us. I was like there you go........She kept both of her hands on each of our heads and bow down to prayer or something. After a while she says to me "You want to have sex!". I was like What? This is what you found out? I mean I was puzzled and was trying to figure it out. She said "You want sex!" again. I was like what rubbish...She turns to my sister and said you have some..... problems (I don't remember) God as I write my recollection is fading of.  I ask my sister what that lady mean that I want sex?. The lady told me something that really offended me that I started telling her I have never set that as my priority in life "to want sex" and ask her if she truly are trying to figure me out why don't you see the things I'm hurt about and see what I exactly want.
I woke up so pissed! ahahhahaa!

waiting feels like forever

I'm so scared to death that I'm shaken.
I haven't received any news about "it". What if I didn't get it?
Maybe I should have asked them then punishing my heart making it anxious.
I feels like walking somewhere you don't even know.
 What do I do?

to have nothing

Sometimes the truth comes out from someone when it comes to a certain point of discussion, it can be a joke or a common statement.
I still pretend not to notice so that the person who slipped it out wouldn't feel awkward.
Actually I want to cry ahahaha!. I'm too clear to read minds which puts me in a lot of fake moments. Now I'm tired. I guess I'm overly nice or looks stupid , who is easily judge for being like this. I'm tired of making people feel happy or me being too concerned about them and making a fool out of myself. I have never really done anything for myself.
I'm hurt being looked down upon for the life I'm living now. When I know everyone has been through this phases in their lives but no one sees their own because they are happy now.

I'm hurt being one of those people who needs to really roughen up to get things done or achieved something than those people who easily gets it. No matter how morally right you are.

People says these kinds of people always faces struggle the most and only self can save them. And also if they are lucky enough to be supported by good omen and  through prayers it is possible for them to have a little sunshine on their cold feet, that's all.

Maybe I'm not good enough for anything.Sometimes I wonder what had happened to me? Why I turned out so gloomy?
I'm tired. I can't carry on like this. I might crash like the system crashes with overload. At least I have the strength to come this far. In a way my siblings never gave up and everyone just have too much expectation on me that I might not able to achieve. I'm already shaken here in fear of losing them and losing my little confidence I earn after so long.

I can kick some asses for sure, few tasted it and knows how it feels to be abused. I always want to be a strong character. Maybe this is it that I'll be smiling when I please from here on and not bother how to make others feel when I have tried to be so warm and try to make other smile in return to get hurt in the process. I'm not dumb innocent anymore and have been pushed around and everywhere for quiet long. Like my sister says "It's high time you understand how it works and it's not fairy tale world anymore where friends will be great friend or sisters or cousins will not look out for you". No one sees the way it is but will called you names. Thought it stinged me, I guess that is it.

Now I have nothing. But while I'm facing it, I'll be brave, I don't need go telling everyone, I just need to walk away from them and in time they would know how it feels like.

I'm tired of begging, it taught me to be humble and I know how others feel like that I get carried away but it has got me lots of bruises in the process, that I'm ashamed of showing my skin.

I wish my heart didn't pain so much when I thought I don't have one. I have been lying to myself for so long.

Oh NO!

I have thoroughly confused the reader with my motivational letter that I have sent. That's what I feel they must have been.
My selection looks so grim that i will bury myself somewhere
I'm going crazy here thinking about my crappy letter. I want to scream so bad "why zing why? do you get nervous and hex your own writing".
How I'm I going to explain? I don't have anything to say.
And what If I don't get it. I just have 24 hours to know it and it's killing me :/
 I want cry actually. Thank God they didn't ask for LOR, because my Dean sates "She is by nature shy and reserved however her innate abilities...yadayada!" Also I seems to be an excellent story teller...waaah my siblings thinks my story writings/poem are as gloomy as a dark cave.
Who would want a shy and a reserved student as a student in their university?....But I thank her very much for stating the activities I have participated. just in case they ask to send it (most likely not).
What I'm going to do? I already having Panic exhaustion!

Anxious with horrible day but I'm glad nothing serious

I'm going crazy and is shaken. I'm so scared about 23rd of April. I can't think straight and can not concentrate on anything. I really want it and I don't want to miss this opportunity. I don't want my parents to worry over me anymore. I don't know what is what and how I'm going to react if anything bad or good happens. I'm already dying in misery!
The things I have learned and the things I want to learn. I can't act like a senile when my cousins are around so I pretend to listen to music and play diamond dash. I hover around facebook like gazillion times and comment on the so called for me,  revolutionary photographs and about my tribe (NAGA) pages to get me hooked with my views/ foster world knowledge as well as for vocabulary improvement. Half of the time I end up criticizing.
 My logo design is so sad that when I saw it today, I closed my eyes and open to  check if it was the my mood that make it look like the way I saw it. No help! :(

I went to meet  my close cousin today. Her apartment is so beautiful. On the way wet cement drizzled down and hit my eyes. I thought I was going blind and my eyes were burning. There was construction going on and the place has got such a tiny lane that I couldn't do anything to escape. And on the way back this morning it sprinkled down lump some and I was clothed with dotted lumps of cement all over. And these happen in two different places. !how furious! I wanted to swear out so loud but I couldn't. I was looking for any person up on the building to tell him to be more careful but saw no one. The shopkeeper who saw me told me I have to wash my head immediately. Like it was so helpful *sigh* .

A day before I lost the cash my cousin whom I'm staying with, gave it to me. Though I did warn her that my track Capri-pants pocket is funny (I regret buying the reebok that I have, the pocket won't hold anything) but again I wouldn't complain. I was taking photographs and forgot all about my funny pockets that let to falling out. I searched everywhere I had been. She wanted to buy beer with it! I felt so bad. She decide to hurry home and relax while I decided to take one more round. But did not find it. I called my elder sister saying what should I do and how would she feel if I just give her from my part. Since my sister knows her well (in terms of understanding people), she told me to be more careful and do what I thought. I prayed that someone deserving found it and left. Well walking out from the park, I was thinking that I should have not bend to collected abandon chips packets (these people don't have the sense to throw it even if the dustbins are arms length away and are everywhere you walk or run) or hunt for lady bugs. I was disappointed with those gardeners of the park who cut off the plants in the midst of the woods. They were their homes. ;____;

I had plans to steal some amount of soil to plant some tomatoes and ginger. But lost track with the loss.

But the days were good, I was safe and ate the most grand food at my cousin's place, me and my brother never could cook it. My Brother and my cousin's fiance had to decided to wear a stretchable pants just for the dinner. How hilarious!

I had red wine but I can never compare the wine I tasted when I was in Bangalore. Thanks to my close friend who invited me there. Though it was awkward to be around with couple (both are my friends but still) and me in the middle. It was like a date and with me in it. It was uncomfortable. I decided to say no if that ever to happened.

Phew! At least I didn't pass out thinking about 23rd. God! I can only hope! I can't sleep until an answer is with me and hoping it for good. Good grief!

Words

Sometimes I don't even realize what I say can affect a person in different ways. Sometimes I don't mean it the way it came out from my mouth or the way I write it.
Until I felt it myself.
So from that day onwards I made sure how it may sound.
I have never really swore or curse at someone unnecessarily.

Maybe it's my personality and lack of social-interaction (But I'm so much better now. "Thank GOD". ). I'm very self-centered because in my life it was only me and myself for quiet long. People take it as arrogance! Yes it is I guess! All the troubles and anxiety is all about me and nothing for others.
School sucks no matter how many good things I tried to recall ,so is my High school and then on.
But I realize those stage was a phase of opening up along with misunderstanding and weirdness. I was like a blank page. What ever was written on me, I acted that way. Until I met few patient friends who dragged me out and dealt with me. I'm not any addict of any sort or did really horrible things one would imagine. I was simply unresponsive. And then I realized I need to change. But I became very shy (I hated those days). I would just bury my face somewhere. Never could decide myself on anything and people thought I was delicate or something. Some thought I was a total bitch *laughs* in my way.


Funny and sad part is that it's a mixture of someone calling me Lesbian and weirdo. I'm not attracted to girls that way, I just can be more comfortable and more caring to them than other gender. I tend to try to make them happy thinking this could happen to anyone of us someday. Putting in their shoes in my thoughts was the result to people making them to mistake me as a lesbian. I was so worn out that I agreed at some point and that's when my closest friend came to rescue in those gossip moments.
Some people even thought it was cool (male classmates and senior) and one of them even asked me "how it feels like". Later my friend caught hold of him and brushed off all the crap. Good part is that we all became good friends and finally he knows I'm not a lesbian.

I do not know what the opposite sex thinks of me and I'm least bothered, unless they ruin any moment or chances, just in case I like someone. I'm a female and it's natural to like someone but the problem is I never really did. Even if I did like anyone nothing goes further than I can draw this person or make him act like this character an whatever bull crap I can think of. The most extend of the word liking went to a person, I looked up too for his kindness and taking me seriously. He was my only friend during the dark moments. He is not perfect but he was got me and felt shocked that he accepted me as a normal human girl.

Back to the point. I have the tendency to be blunt or ignorant in terms of understanding they way other wants you to understand.(I'm improving  in these terms!!) I tend to make people confused with my not so loud voice/tone and I get jumbled with my words as soon as I try to make sense. I come out stupid and naive. And then when I get loud, they're surprise (hardly had happened) I'm too concerned of how people might feel and how to make them feel than about myself (when it comes to things not feelings).

It's scary sometimes to be me, like thinking too much and having different instances for one thing that makes you have different personality at different times.

I'm not slacking off!! muahahaha!

Well trying to catch up and brush up what I have studied! I'm so scared to dead about if i get through this year.
Having finally done my essay ( has some form) but i have to blend each paragraph notes to make it spontaneous.

always

Always!
I think I'm slacking off again.....Am I?
 

It's fine!

It's been days full of prayers and hope.
Crazy days have been fading away. I have been calmer when got response from my Dean and start of something where I have left (in terms of my artwork).
I take back all negative comments and learn to be more patient.
I have more work to go. Though it won't bring me monetary happiness, I'm learning to be more spontaneous with my skills. My shyness is getting on my nerves and so is my uncomfortableness around people. Planning to join a music group lessons and try to get out of the house more often and draw live. GOd! Please don't make be jitter when I do! 

I have been insomniac these days. Trying to make myself tired by doing chores around the house so that I can feel sleepy. Thanks to my big sister, she had given me great massage that made me snore today! :P

Music= "My chemical brothers"
Activities= sketching /origami/washing clothes/cooking/just finished editing my friends photo shoot.

scared about....

What Am I so scared about talking to certain people (actually many)? My brain switches off or gets jumbled.
Why can't I convey the message that is building inside my head?
What do I do?
 I tried but i guess it was not the best. I can't get ahead in life  if I ever be the same.
I wish I was some smart ass chick....

This problem has got me facing so many other problems that includes my future goals.

another BIG problem!
I'm planning to apply for university and I have already missed one since my institute wouldn't get my transcripts on time. To request them a thousand times I have lost all my confidence. And then I get back from them that I was a total stranger (was asked to keep in touch which I should have...). THAT HURTS!  There is always something that they need (excuses?) and they are never wrong!! DARN!

And I'm still waiting since last year, getting old day by day in my misery. I realize they don't take me seriously. What do I do? I'm still trying to figure out how to frame sentences in such a way that they get it done right away. Maybe my face appearance have some issue.I have no time to sit and whine about my personality complex gone wrong. But how do I change this complex. My mother is already worried that I'm shoved all my misery thoughts inside me till there is no space that I die. I want to change but it gets worst. I know that no one can read another mind (unless a psychic) so we should say it (a verbal speech or whatever means to get it done) .
I hate myself get constipated in my head.
Oh GAAAWd!

My brain hurts really bad and I'm seriously serious. My only chance to get to a university is grim and is my last chance. If I don't make it this year with all the misfortunes and situations that I faced for my portfolio and all the things revolving around me and still kept going, I don't think there is anything left in me.

I might not be up in one of the best but I'm still here climbing.
I wasn't born with it but I'm learning to be....
GOD! Please save me!