I was watching re-runs of lovely complex and funny thing is that some parts of Risa personalty reflected and brought me tears. I never cry for silly reasons or for anime. I haven't cried when I first watched it. The third re-runs just got me tears. I'm nothing like Risa though. I'm totally pessimistic and gloomy compared to her.
Despite being taller than the one she loves "Otani" she never let this complex get in her way and that is what I admire about her. That is why she found happy ending.
I cried when she repeated "bear....bear cu.r...ry" Bear...." over and over again .She was unable to hide her broken heart from her closest friends when she was rejected.
I admire her that she tried not to show that she was hurt by crying in front of "Otani" when she was rejected by him.
She also tried not to shed tears when she overheard him saying she wasn't anything special.
But in the end their love story was the cutest. And I have no such love stories. I just felt Risa's personality and that got me tears ;____;. Now I want to laugh.
apart from that.....
I've been rejected by college twice and twice is as hard blow as being known as for no good.
The first gave me to understand that I didn't meet the standards and the second one made me lose confidence.
Sometimes I doubt myself that I'm such a loser and good for nothing. Thinking why I turned out like this?
I don't want to live in regret for choosing the path that I'm walking. I don't want to regret for being what I am today for the regret that I went college not on my own will but decision made by older siblings. But I don't blame them. My world is smaller and didn't know much beyond my borders. I need to be guided then. It's where I came from and I'm not ashamed of it. People would call me a late bloomer /looser? but it didn't budge my confidence down. The problem was, I lost that zeal after stepping in the world much wider and confusing. There were all sort of things I didn't know and good things was fading away from me. I never really had a peace of mind during Bangalore.
Now I feel that foreigner in the church was sort of rite or guessed right while he was so called in touch with the "Holy Spirit". I did laugh at him when he say "Lord give her peace of mind" I expected more about my problems. I mean more elaborate. I guessed the Holy Spirit have no time for late bloomers like me. I guessed I was scared of letting everyone hate me and not be my friend. Or I guess I was afraid to make mistakes.
My dreams of finding the purpose has become smaller and smaller. I have shun my emotions so bad now I'm living a "fake me". I just don't want to do anything and even if I do, I'm never satisfied. Looking in the mirror scares me the most.
I hate to admit it writing and if I read this as a visitor I would find this as rubbish wannabe victim. I seriously not want what I am, (in present) but for good I'm changing. I'm making sure I perk up and try making things look happy in everything I do.
My real wishlist
#to have true friends or at least 1 true friend.
#to be confident
#to not give up
# to know exactly what I want to do
# to make my heart a better place
Even if I want to cry, I can't. For I don't have my private room and cousins are home. It's embarrassing ahahahahaha!
I want to be a better person. I never want to be left out alone in the dark. (I still remember that day when my so called friends after math class left me walking alone in the dark, powers cuts and it was thundering so bad . I dragged myself home. I was too shocked to cry or think properly. I was shaken but never told my parents. I thought the trees were not trees and howling .The road felt like it will never end though it was just 15 minutes walk. It was dark and cold. I still feel it now when I think about it. But what I remember the most was when I couldn't see anything while walking down, I felt a warmness touch my back and spread all around me. Like I was being hugged or wrapped around with a warm blanket. That feeling got me walk faster and faster till I reached my gate and it left me. Before shutting my eyes, I felt happy and since then I never let thing gets me down.)
Oh my sort of last wishlist: Just found out while writing about the incident.
# to feel that warmness again (and hope it never leave me)
And if I can only pick one of my wishlist. I would chose the last wish on my list.
If I have this I think I never give up.
Despite being taller than the one she loves "Otani" she never let this complex get in her way and that is what I admire about her. That is why she found happy ending.
I cried when she repeated "bear....bear cu.r...ry" Bear...." over and over again .She was unable to hide her broken heart from her closest friends when she was rejected.
I admire her that she tried not to show that she was hurt by crying in front of "Otani" when she was rejected by him.
She also tried not to shed tears when she overheard him saying she wasn't anything special.
But in the end their love story was the cutest. And I have no such love stories. I just felt Risa's personality and that got me tears ;____;. Now I want to laugh.
apart from that.....
I've been rejected by college twice and twice is as hard blow as being known as for no good.
The first gave me to understand that I didn't meet the standards and the second one made me lose confidence.
Sometimes I doubt myself that I'm such a loser and good for nothing. Thinking why I turned out like this?
I don't want to live in regret for choosing the path that I'm walking. I don't want to regret for being what I am today for the regret that I went college not on my own will but decision made by older siblings. But I don't blame them. My world is smaller and didn't know much beyond my borders. I need to be guided then. It's where I came from and I'm not ashamed of it. People would call me a late bloomer /looser? but it didn't budge my confidence down. The problem was, I lost that zeal after stepping in the world much wider and confusing. There were all sort of things I didn't know and good things was fading away from me. I never really had a peace of mind during Bangalore.
Now I feel that foreigner in the church was sort of rite or guessed right while he was so called in touch with the "Holy Spirit". I did laugh at him when he say "Lord give her peace of mind" I expected more about my problems. I mean more elaborate. I guessed the Holy Spirit have no time for late bloomers like me. I guessed I was scared of letting everyone hate me and not be my friend. Or I guess I was afraid to make mistakes.
My dreams of finding the purpose has become smaller and smaller. I have shun my emotions so bad now I'm living a "fake me". I just don't want to do anything and even if I do, I'm never satisfied. Looking in the mirror scares me the most.
I hate to admit it writing and if I read this as a visitor I would find this as rubbish wannabe victim. I seriously not want what I am, (in present) but for good I'm changing. I'm making sure I perk up and try making things look happy in everything I do.
My real wishlist
#to have true friends or at least 1 true friend.
#to be confident
#to not give up
# to know exactly what I want to do
# to make my heart a better place
Even if I want to cry, I can't. For I don't have my private room and cousins are home. It's embarrassing ahahahahaha!
I want to be a better person. I never want to be left out alone in the dark. (I still remember that day when my so called friends after math class left me walking alone in the dark, powers cuts and it was thundering so bad . I dragged myself home. I was too shocked to cry or think properly. I was shaken but never told my parents. I thought the trees were not trees and howling .The road felt like it will never end though it was just 15 minutes walk. It was dark and cold. I still feel it now when I think about it. But what I remember the most was when I couldn't see anything while walking down, I felt a warmness touch my back and spread all around me. Like I was being hugged or wrapped around with a warm blanket. That feeling got me walk faster and faster till I reached my gate and it left me. Before shutting my eyes, I felt happy and since then I never let thing gets me down.)
Oh my sort of last wishlist: Just found out while writing about the incident.
# to feel that warmness again (and hope it never leave me)
And if I can only pick one of my wishlist. I would chose the last wish on my list.
If I have this I think I never give up.
