the Retards

We ate too much potatoes for dinner.....after depressing day. Me and my senior decided to let go of what was yesterday. POOFS!! I like webcam and fiddling round it. I had no money to go out and have no internet. But thank Gawwwd my senior came back from his girlfriend's place. I get to use facebook and get some updates. Ahahahaha...ok.....O___O listening to Christmas songs esp. "Glee Christmas album"...

nothing unusual happened (i did not step out of my hostel)

lets do it

Ok this was embarrassing. I didn't realized till i sat down to do my artwork. Well I went out to buy cracker biscuits and jam along with my senior and my friend. I dropped my friend and was coming back to my hostel with my senior. On the way, I remembered that he was suppose to help me with some background for my artwork which was pending for so long. So I said "you said you're gonna help me making the background but you never did!!". He said, "Well you always call me when i'm sleeping or when i'm entertaining my friends!!". He was right. I was like whatever shawty (I said shawty under my breathe) because he is shorter than me :p (and he's girlfriend is shorter than him, she is such a cutie). I said," Fine I'll never ask you for help." *pouts*. He said, "Fine lets just do it." I said, "But you just called that guy for help in your project!". He said "He'll take half an hour." So by that time I can finish showing you how to make the background." I said, " You are really going to...right?". "YA! LETS JUST DO IT OK RIGHT AFTER WE REACH HOSTEL!!" He said it out loud. I guess the vehicle was making too much noise so he thought i couldn't hear him.

"All RIGHT!", I said. Then right outside close to my seniors side (btw we were in an auto so there is no window nor a door, it's wide open from both the sides), a lady with her child sitting behind the vehicle gave me a shock and dirty look. I was like now what face did i put out to make her glare at me like that. I just looked away. I didn't bother until it hit me in about 10 minutes from now. I realized why she looked at me that way. She must be thinking that I'm a bad girl. :'O She got it all wrong! :'O

The picture is random. Somehow relate to this incident. Well if i didn't go out to buy that this incident would have never happened. *sigh* *puts jam on the crackers and eats**

breaking down

I'm breaking down. I just can't go forward. I just don't know what is the reason I'm living here for. I so freaking out that I can't concentrate on anything. I hate what I once love to do. I don't know what i want to do. I'm so confuse as someone trap in a maze. I just don't see any sign of color in my life. I feel like it's a joke from the very start. Am i mentally challenged? My breathing hurts when i try to hold back my tears. I pushed myself to just go on but never succeeded in getting things done. I'm not just whining here, I'm really trying to work things out. I so pissed how i ended up like this. I always wanted a normal college life. It isn't normal here.The worst part is there is no one I could talk to and I don't want my parents to be so stressed up about my mental situation. I so hate it, the place, the atmosphere and myself. Every time I think about it i say I should die. But I won't do that. I just want to settle it but I don't know how. I can't do this on my own. I need a map. I have no one to talk to nor I willing to discuss about it, so i write. And my verbal skills are not good to put out what I want to say......so I write....

In a mental situation like this which had happened before I wrote down a story long ago "the city of misery" and the illustration is done by me. Just call her the girl with no name. . . .and she lives in the city of misery....

it's all too much

I don't know how to begin with. I really feel like crying but tears won't come out at all. Why everything gangs up on me. Something or the other bad things happen that i end up doing nothing and lose so many important things.The day before and days before........ my comp. started to act weird and I lost my internet connection. The service deactivated before the due time stated. I can't do anything without internet. I need references and tutorials..loads of stuffs that need for my portfolio. Sending mail and getting feedback..It's getting on my nerves...I can't take this anymore. I wish my days go without any of the drama i face everyday, without getting things wrong. It's really embarrassing when someone says to me "why these things happens to you every single time?" ..."you're a freak magnet!" and so on (i don't even want to mention it). Well I didn't ask for it. Sometimes I can take the trip but every single time...I just can't deal with it. I wouldn't want my new dress to be spoiled as soon as i walk out of my door and I wouldn't weirdos following me or flashing me every time i go out. I wouldn't want to get sick all the time.I wouldn't want my awesome PC act weird and all my works vanished because it crashed. I'm taking it but I cannot afford to let things happen when it comes to my graduation. I want to Graduate so bad...so bad..but every time I see myself on my way towards it....everything goes wrong...I don't know how to handle this..it's way out of my hand. Apart from this I'm more worried about my portfolio. My teacher wouldn't believe me if I say something happened that i couldn't get my work done on time.I have given enough excuses and I don't think they'll ever believe me. Don't you think I should just buried my face in a bucket full of water and scream. Well ....I just formatted my computer yesterday and installed whatever I need. I pray that now everything would go well. ...

Apart from that ....i dreamed so many dreams today...I dream i was in a field with so many kinds of flowers...it was so colorful ...that flowers were endless. My friends(i don't know who they were) suggest we should go see it. And we were on a pavement but that was not connected to the field. It was impossible to cross without a bridge. So i asked them how is that possible. They all smile. I heard a sound of a car getting closer. I looked at the person driving it. She was very familiar to me. Like i know her from somewhere. And lol!! it was the teacher "Sawa-Chan" from k-on with her car. She yelled at us that she was going to bridge the road and the field. I was shocked to see an anime character and her surety of making it happen.Sawa-Chan zoom off and then i saw the grey pavement connecting the field. My jaw dropped. My friends pulled me and we ran towards the field. We walked around and saw so many beautiful flowers. And some of them started to bloom as soon as we walked towards it. We rested besides purple flowers. They were so different from the rest. Then one of my friends said we could eat it. I said "Like cow eats it!" not human!" She said; "it's chocolate so no worries!"..Lol you think Charlie is for real and that we are strolling around without him knowing. Bull crap!"..Well they didn't listen they just started plucking the purple flowers and ate it. I did the same. It was really chocolate. Then another friend of mine sat on a tree. I haven't seen any tree like that before. The leaves were dangling like threads. They were lemon green and whitish gold. She said try it. She meant eat it. I caught a bunch and I ate it. It was not tasty at all. I felt like i chewed sugar with some mud on it....and after that I don't remember what was what. The last i saw was me among the purple flowers' field with my friends. And the flowers were growing.....

Sorry is in a hurry again....Please excuse my grammatical mistakes with no proper punctuations.

Reflection ( huh??)

Every time i wake up, I wonder what am I suppose to do today. I have this problem of not planning things out in life. I gave up on in when it didn't work out as planned. I guess i didn't put much effort. And that every time I think I wish i am studying in a University with thousands and thousands of students passing by to their own respective classes. Being in a class not more twelve people, I tend to not feel good. I don't feel like student. That my priority is to do my assignments on time and so on. And my hostel is situated in a place where retired family had settled down. So it's always quiet except the construction at the back, a 100 yards away...kept the place buzzing. I get upset sometimes when i see no soul here walking around specially my age groups. I would like to hear laughter and shouts from afar. I would like to hang out sometimes if i have friends to hang out with lol....I do have friends (2)...but there is distance physically, mentally...
So sometimes I can't get through those. DAMN IT! I phased out again....=.=
What i was suppose to write was what.........seriously!! I'm sorry I forgot...something do to with reflection!! .......*facepalm* I only remember what video to put....*cries*

My heart

My Heart...
The shower brings down warm water
Sprinkles all over
My head feels it first
How blessed I felt
My thoughts run free
The flow of warm water pours down my back
I embraced my legs
As I rest my chin,
How “myself” I felt
“I needed this”, I mumbled .
Though my clothes and my shoes are stuck to my skin,
All my gloomy thoughts were washed away.
Everything is so slow
I could see every drop touch me and splash
I could hear the gentle beat of the warm stream.
My eyes felt warmer.
My heart Tingled.
As I felt lighter,
I wish I could get a little more time to be right where I am
But the knock on the door tells me I have to let go.
My heart, stay like this
My heart, run free
My heart feel the warmth
My heart embrace this day
My heart , take time
My heart, my life is just a glimpse in time

Today is aweful but will not complain

These days I've been frequently getting sick. And right now the cat is all over my hands, he needs attention...and he is not my cat. I've been trying to work on my portfolio but its progress is so slow that I'm dying....I get tired easily (sick lately). But I'm at least happy something is coming out of it.
So i decided i would watch K-on episode 21 season 2 and i loved it. Something to perk me up. Play my guitar and sang like there is no tomorrow. Then I face book a little and made a quick sketch of how my project would look like. I love glee also. Got glee update and Gwyneth Paltrow is good. I love her own version of "forget you" by Cee lo green. Btw i have only watched till episode 4 of Glee.
Well today ain't so bad even though the cat his face is rubbing on my lap. Ok I really got to continue my illustrations. Hope to do it well and finish it on time.

School

Today is 10^th of November. I think I realized why for years I often see my school and classmates in my dream.

I had no idea what was happening in the first place. It was so real. It felt real. And someone invisible told me that I need to go back to my 9^th standard. I laughed thinking what was going on. As much as I remember, I time traveled. And there I was in my classroom. I saw very few students compared to what I expected to be. And I was wearing my school uniform; Grey platted skirt, maroon tie and white shirt. That’s when I realized the invisible man was not kidding. To my surprise they were normal to see me and didn’t even say hi! You came back!..they were just sitting and doing things like I was always there. I looked around . I couldn't calm down so I tried to chicken out of the school. But then the nuns were there cleaning the compound. Before I could plan anything, a lady said “are you trying to leave?” I immediately said “no..”, I thought I heard the bell ring! hehehe..(I couldn’t come up with anything). I’m not sure whether she believed me because I wasn’t carrying my school bag. I took a quick longing glance of that huge steel gate that only a bulldozer could take it down. As I was walking back I saw a nun looking at me, so I wished her. I don’t remember what I wished her O___O . She disappeared up the stairs. I quickly entered the room and to my surprised I saw a girl, my former friend that I’ve forgotten. We were great as friend since I started my school life.

A short Drifting now! Hehehe….please bare with me! Not a part of my dream.

We love food, playing and drawing. We could eat all day if that was permitted. We do get into a fight too but that is because we hanged out too much together. That happy world didn't last long when she introduce me to join another group of friends. They were so mean to me. They never liked the way I was physically (thank God the ring movie wasn't out then) and mentally (dumb). I was hurt. She was becoming more like them. But I tagged along. As I was upgrading to higher classes the group was left with four girls which includes me. We were more distant than ever and kept fighting. Those girls kept bitching about everything they could possibly bitch about and many more. I couldn't take it any longer. So one day I decided to leave the group. And I thought that she would come along but she never did. And from then onward I was all alone with no friends.

So coming back to my dream, her name was Sabita.

There she was standing beside the bench which is supposedly hers. She wasn’t surprised either to see me. Our homework was distributed to us. And like an idiot I was still standing at the back wondering where the hell I’m suppose to sit. I asked Sabita where I was sitting. She pointed next to hers. I was amazed. I never thought I’ll sit beside her. I was so surprised to be dumb enough to ask her if that was my school bag, pointing at the black bag. She gave a positive reply without saying anything else. I quickly looked inside my bag and saw books and copies. I closed it immediately. We sat and listen to the teacher yapping about how to prepare ourselves for our exams. And yes it was the most important part and once we get through it, we leave school. Then I heard someone behind me say “We are growing up so fast”, “Leaving school so soon”. I looked back and I saw Anisha Jain, the vice captain of our class with her hands supporting her face lost in her world after she said it. Pondering upon it, I realized someone who didn’t knew about Zing time traveled, knew before me what it really feels like to be 14 and all the pressure to grow up. My heart tingled. I didn’t know why but then I knew my time is up. I turn to the side, I saw Sabita. She was thinking too. And the whole class had a question round and teacher cracked jokes. There were laughter and smile on every ones’ faces. I felt so happy looking at them.

I had this habit of staring at people, thinking how nice they are and if there are nice I always think how I wish to be like them. 

I wished I stayed a little longer but I have no idea how to. Time was running out. So I quickly turned towards Sabita and hugged her. I don’t remember exactly what the long dramatic sentences I said were. All I remember was, “we’ll always be friends”….”Thank you”…. after that all I saw was wooden textures (lol) and my eyes wide opened. That’s when I realized it was just a dream.

All my life I never saw about my school life like that. I alyways dreamed hating it. Until today I wish to have something special “memories”. I guess I did learn a lot and changed. All along I thought there were no such things called close/true friends, I guess I was wrong. Even though I may not have one (because I gave up on it), there are nice people. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone grows out of it or realizes it. And today was the day I understood about it. I learn something that will help me as I walk on ahead. I’m a grown up now. Again THANK YOU!

better

Today was a good day. Nothing unusual happened. Even though I got up late with a nightmare. I decided to calm myself down and pray for a good day. Well I seriously don't know what to write here.....O___O....is blank .....

Video Tutorial: Realistic Glass of Water

Video Tutorial: Realistic Glass of Water

Suicide

I never ever came to this day that i would regret that i hate myself for not being able to be friends with you. I saw you tall,dusky, pretty, down to earth and with a bonus package "intelligent". And you play violin too.My inferiority complex gets on my way that i distant myself. And i was sure you wouldn't want to be friends who is a back bencher,never smiles nor talk. Well I smile now but i never spoke though you(felt good that u thought of)added me in facebook.Writing this i feel like a pathetic person. You can't even hear me or read it.

Today your friend told me your parents were devastated. They held onto your friend's hand and cried bitterly. They are the best parents that you have.Perfect friends.What else was not there?. We all loved you.WHAT WENT WRONG? What were you thinking today?

I wish you thought a little more before such thing that you chose to do....i wish there was an undo button..I wish you told your closest friends how bad you were feeling. I wish to change this but I'm not God....R>I>P Pretty girl..All i can do is pray harder that God would be with you now.

I wish/pray you find that place where you belong.. Somewhere you want to be...i wish you were online and that you were listening to this song rite now...

trying to learn blogging

I seriously have no idea how to start and what to write. I'm not spontaneous. I have to think hard to write or someone has to ask me questions. Apart from that, what i like about blogging is that I get to write random stuff without any worries if anyone reads it or not.
As you see I'm so "a boring person" that my blog looks depressing.
I've been practicing to interact online and outside the web. Been lacking communication skills, though i facebook.
Hope my planning to be expressive works.

Misunderstood

have been misunderstood by a man(&his family) who thought i was a pervert. Well i was worried my friend would leave with the zip open for the world see...couldn't yell it out in front of the population,showed in action and was caught in the act....:'O i was yelled at........I'm INNOCENT :'(

thought I'll doodle it but is sick...

redbull-kluts-the guy bump into everytime i go out

it's really worrisome to see that person again and again and again...when you don't even expect.....in a way i'm eased to know that i don't exist in his presence....I dont want to be called a stalker.....

i don't have net this month so can't write much.....

limited time...:O

sorry my quick sketch sucks big time......

Happy birthday Chuk Chuk!

Today is my little brothers' birthday. And I forgot to wish him. My mother called me up to remind me. So I spoke to him after that. I asked him how old he is now. I forgot what he told me. I guess he is 8 now.
Well I am wondering how he'll turn out to be when he grows up. But I'm very happy for him. Just didn't know how to tell him that your one-chan is so happy! I'll dedicate a song to you then (but i don't know how you do it here). Though you'll never hear it or maybe someday you'll have your blog account and find it one fateful day.
*whinny*
I miss home....
I wish i was there for your birthday....maybe had sung few songs that I taught you...
I get to eat cake and home food....
Waaahh! I want to go home..

*Normal*
Happy birthday to you little brother. God bless you! We bunch of retards need to venture out our purpose....So Go! Go! do your best in life!