life

Life it is so difficult to live I would say.... with a purpose to be specific.
I would not want to live if I keep living like this for the rest of the days ahead. But again you never know what life throws at you or that you might not have tomorrow. I'm seriously not making sense and I'm being in deep pot hole where I can't see where I am heading to. It is a pain for me to keep up with the world. I can't....
Even my thoughts and view are troublesome during working hours. Yeah finally I am working like an adult. But my work hasn't being productive or constructive. I need to get this feeling out of my system or else the project will fail. Being a part of this field that I'm in is confusing and got no specific holidays or timing to it. It calls you anytime and it is no one day wonder. I'm getting meager pay for sure ( we never discussed about the pay after I have given my digits that I expect). I will miss Christmas and two weddings of my very close cousins. I haven't been to my village where my mother and father grew up for ages (8 or 10 years? or I'm bad in math and numbers) I have no good memory of those days. All these writing doesn't make any sense to what I wanted to actually express. I can't be honest so I'm running round and round with my thoughts.

What i really want to know what my life suppose to be?
I don't think where I am right now is not where my life should be?
I need to figure out what I should be doing...But I do fear that for this I have to start all over again. If that happens I don't want my parents to be dragged on it.
What I dream that I can apply to?
I dream of a warm khaki pant and a white shirt giving out something that I can't see it.
I not just sitting but talking, holding hands, giving out something.
I see that I'll be laughing and crying there. Moving about places to places... again papers and giving out something. Writing...it's vague but I feel good when I see it.
Am I Retarded? Maybe a postman! lol!
or just day dreaming.
I'm an inch close to quit my job before I kill myself.....
Don't be like me! Be stronger...I'm just a facade that shows everything is well. Well I keep that because I can never be honest to my feelings. I have reasons to keep to myself. But if you have anyone you know that will be there for you no matter what you say, Say it with honest truth no matter what the outcome will be.

My life will slowly grow gloomier and gloomier within me so I  keep my dream alive. My imagination has always keep me warm even though my hands and feet are all numb with cold (my Heart). Those places I go is something this life doesn't provide. So even If  I stand in front of the mirror looking at my face, I practice to fight back tears (i do succeed many times) and smile like an idiot. No matter how pathetic life can be....just hang on till you rise up or fade away. It would be life worth waiting to see you shine and it would not be a trouble some if you died before anything happened...at least you didn't kill yourself which is like the most coward thing to do....So I say to you or myself  that I will love you no matter how bad in a shit hole you are dwelling...I will shake your hand and and hug you and kiss you....lol... i mean a gesture of a bond to tell you that I care... Am I alone? I don't think so....there maybe somewhere around the corner trying to figure it out to....Or maybe I am the only pathetic homo sapiens who is a failure of the survival of the fittest. Anyhow just be.....

if i never see morning again

It’s tearing everyday

I hate what I love now

I can’t find the reasons that is making me sad

I seriously don’t know

Where do I go?

I’m trying to figure it out

I feel like I don’t want to live anymore

I don’t want to do something stupid either

I’m not a fool

I wrote my dreams in a jar some months back

It holds meaning to it anf it’s not a love song to a boy

(Like those who read thought)

It’s a song where I want to belong..

A place where I wishes to meet that goodness

A place I feel I cannot go no matter what

So far away or so opposite…

Like we can never collide

Like I can never merge with goodness

Like I cannot touch it

All I could do about this feeling was write it before I break down

I cannot be honest with myself about feelings

I cannot stand baring my heart in a sleeve

I can’t find the reason to live

I feel so cold now

My dreams in a jar …. I can only dream of you bursting out of me

I wish I can find my path but I guess I never will

If I never see morning again

I would like to give away some parts of me to people who need to be fixed

With that at least mom and dad will be happy

At least I’m of some use

I don’t want to be hero or savior but I want to be in their eyes

I feel like wearing my vero moda sweat shirt though it’s still autumn.. winter haven’t strike yet

I think I’ll wear that and sleep today

Maybe I’ll dream good

If I never see morning again

What would I have missed?

I wouldn’t missed anything but I would never experience love

Something so absurd to me to understand

All those in the movies and my roomies spend the entire day…everyday talking/crying/laughing/blushing about

I’m ok with that

I’m better off imagining it

I have pretty strong imagination to take me away to this feeling

But I can never picture myself

If I never see morning again

The world will still move on

I would like that way with my dear ones too

Laugh at my funeral I would be happy soul

Crying is no no

If I never see morning again

I pray that the designer repairs me and think of a new design

If I never see morning again

I have no regrets..

here is my Dreams in a jar

if the path of life for me

and the path of life for you

Are two world's apart;

I cannot help but dream.

The wishes to get a glimpse of you,

wishes to get as much time;

Are something i cannot buy.

So i treasure my dream in a transparent jar

When every time i forget my prayers,

feels so fast or slow and even when my hope fades;

I will shake the jar and open it

waiting for it to burst....

If the path of life for me has no way to you

I cannot help but dream

The wishes to get a glimpse of you

Wishes to get as much time

Are something i cannot get.

So I treasure my dream in a transparent jar

When i see myself go astray for not being able to put across my feelings

with honest truth of admiration and your kindness

I will shake the jar and open it

waiting for it to burst...

if the path of life for me

and the path of life for you

are impossible to confront;

I cannot help but just dream

The wishes to catch a glimpse of you

wishes to show I'm willing to get some time

Are something i cannot afford.

So I treasure my dream in a transparent jar

when the world of mine is dry and windy,

rains or all the leaves fall till nothing is left on a tree

 I will shake the jar and open it

Waiting for it to burst...

I have to go and captain america

I have packed my bags and I'm still in this room thinking.
I will miss this place so much!
I might take some pics with me.
I'll be staying at my cousins place for a while now.
I'm still trying to finish my portfolio.
So I won't be that much having fun from now on.
I got to stop playing games or at least play games for an hour..not more than that.
Saying this I just watched Captain America. I really enjoyed watching it.

awesome movie poster!!

what would you do it you meet a red skull on your way? !! Eeks!
I would jeez in my pants and died!

Great Villain! ^___^ 

Common that is not muscles! Those are man boobs! He can wear a bra!I'm actually uncomfortable because his are bigger than mine! And I'm a female O___O!
I still don't know this actor's name! Though I think he was in fantastic five!

One of the scenes! I find this lady very pretty!

I got to google her and found out that her name is Hayley Atwell! ^___^

Oh My brother is doing fine. It has been ages since I have talked to him after his kidney stone operation.

he has got three tubes inserted around his body! eeks!

And that is his room number.

I joke about how it is possible to be in a situation where I bribe the doctors to sell his organs and share the amount of money and become rich. He tried not to laugh because whenever he laughs he gets a sharp pain below. So i stopped joking. O___O

After I met him I felt better. And after that I never spoke to him :)...

I know he is doing just fine.... I just know...i shouldn't be concern about his condition anymore!

Coldplay's New album

I found two good songs and it is by Cold play
Hope you the bloggers and the world love these songs too.

The girl who dream of paradise! <3

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach

So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para-para-paradise

And the bullets catching her teeth
Life goes on it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night she closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night away she flies
and Dreams of para-para-paradise

Every tear is a waterfall

I TURN THE MUSIC UP, I GOT MY RECORDS ON
I SHUT THE WORLD OUTSIDE UNTIL THE LIGHTS COME ON
MAYBE THE STREETS ALIGHT, MAYBE THE TREES ARE GONE

I TURN THE MUSIC UP, I GOT MY RECORDS ON
FROM UNDERNEATH THE RUBBLE SING A REBEL SONG
DON'T WANT TO SEE ANOTHER GENERATION DROP
I'D RATHER BE A COMMA THAN A FULL STOP

MAYBE I'M IN THE BLACK, MAYBE I'M ON MY KNEES
MAYBE I'M IN THE GAP BETWEEN THE TWO TRAPEZES
BUT MY HEART IS BEATING AND MY PULSES START
CATHEDRALS IN MY HEART

AND WE SAW OH THIS LIGHT I SWEAR YOU, EMERGE BLINKING INTO
TO TELL ME IT'S ALRIGHT
AS WE SOAR WALLS, EVERY SIREN IS A SYMPHONYAND EVERY TEAR'S A WATERFALL
IS A WATERFALL
OH
IS A WATERFALL
OH OH OH
IS A IS A WATERFALL
EVERY TEAR
IS A WATERFALL
OH OH OH

SO YOU CAN HURT, HURT ME BAD
BUT STILL I'LL RAISE THE FLAG

feeling blue

Today all I could do was to be quiet the whole day so I could not feel so horrible about my situation.

I rather live a busy life than being just shut in a room becoming duller and duller. Get darker in my mood and feel miserable.

I have reached a stage of no ideas to work on my portfolio. But I'm still trying to make it no matter how. It is dragging. I just want to get over with it.

But I decided I should take time to make it better. But I don't want to do this anymore.

I was wondering or rather wishing if I could get something different when I wake up. If the same things repeat I was wishing I would rather live in my dreams or just not wake up. It sounds scary.

I have been told I'm always complaining. They are right. But I never told them.  

Gosh I still have to move my things out. I was laughing at the situation where I'm most likely to drag my things down to my cousins place. 

I'm worried if I will fit in. I need to get a chance to live on my own. Right now it looks grim. 

I will miss my present place. The area so safe that you could walk all alone in the park in the middle of the night. 

When I'm hungry around 10 to 11 o'clock in the night. I can just walk all alone to a store for something to munch or drink ,where you get everything and it is 24 hours open. 

The place is so secure and filled with security to look after late hours. 

Now the place I'm going to stay will be a 360 turn. I will be now literally inside a room with my computer. I won't able to go for a walk or go anywhere at night time all by myself. Even the morning outside will be worry some. 

I will miss the freedom.

I need to do something about it soon.

rough patches of brass.

I believe so few

I wish so many but i never ask (God)

could it be of having a small heart....

Is it so unfair to be a person of no importance for the world?

Is it too big for the little things to be push down lower and lower to make rooms for the big and bright ones ?

What can The SUn not do ? I wanted to know....

I cannot be the Sun 

What can The MOOn not do? I wanted to know

I cannot be the Moon

I'm just a rough patches of brass of an old artisan's craft who made me slowly ...

I'm hollow inside waiting to be filled

With an eyes so transparant that no one can understand anything but sees a knoted piece of thread perching out from the hollow....

I realized today that I'm not born naturally perfect

And I can do nothing about it

I'm not talking about my physical structure but me as a whole that makes me!

No one can do anything about it

I have already made a desicion  

So you should stop adding up  pieces of things on me....

It's of no use because I'm already made complete

so this what I got to say...

I want to be of some part of goodness..

I want to be like the lantern .....when the world  pushes you lower and lower that they cover you from the Sun and the moon of the skies...

I want to  light the darkest part of the lane. I want to lead  you as long as I can...

So Please light the fire in me!

My Birthday!

At around 12:00 Midnight, the light turned off  all of a sudden and I turned my back from my computer. I was so shocked to see candles glowing and my roomies now my very good friends (5 months) singing the birthday song. I was so happy I couldn't talk. All I could do was shudder with happiness. I was shaking so bad. Then I got tons of hugs an kisses *laughs*. We blew the candles off, cut cake and then they fed me half of the entire cake. My face was filled with cream. I really look like a ghost. I wanted to cry but the tears had gone somewhere down my throat. I treasure the gifts that they have given it to me. But what caught me most is the green post-it. The things they wrote Gaawd! I was so happy. I never thought anyone would think so much for me. Looking at myself in terms of how I am. I was so shaken that I couldn't cut the cake properly. It sounds too dramatic but I was in a state of surprised but mostly in happy-land. I couldn't get the pic of the cake Because it was all eaten up by me and I completely forgot. Here are the glimpse of what I got.

my new tiger bank!

The birthday card is so cute
 and my froggy sharpener is now a part of my stationary family. 

I got Red_Bull ^___^

                                         

Guess they knew that I eat a lot and the things I love.
There you see my heart shape locket. It is not the one I wanted.
But t is heart locket has become the ONE I WILL ALWAYS
Treasure and will always be the BEST!

                             

My another Pauolo Coelho Book. "The Zakhir" I never read.
Yesterday I read the 33 pages. ^__^

What made me very happy and very sad was this. I never wanted to leave but I have no choice.
I'm moving out. They called me "Chinky" for my Oriental features. ZINGU-PINGU because it rhymes.
  But I really didn't get offended.
They don't mean anything harmful. I LOVE THEM TOO!

I'm so happy I finally made friends and I like them. No I LOve them! I'm Happy! Very Happy!

Thank YOU So much!

germination

What would it be like when you live your life to your fullest each day? 

What is it that makes you so influenced and makes you go ahead?

I wish I have this in me every day.

I wish I was a little stronger to not shun my hope to pieces.

I want to live life like I can see the warmness of goodness already. A feeling or a picture, even a sound of goodness would be nice to make me go forward. I'm not even asking for an immediate result.

I want a direction because I'm so lost that I'm groping in the darkness.

I don't want this feeling of death in my soul.

I'm hurt to know that I'm in a condition where my soul is dying not my body. 

I have been hating everything now. I hate what I love to do the most. 

My mental state is somewhere I can't dream anymore.

I'm always in a room regretting everything. Wasting my time and repeating it over and over.

I want to end this. But don't know how?

i drew this "the germination process"

The seed grows in time when in proper care with various elements that helps it grow.

What has stopped me to grow? What element that went missing or what wrong element has got into my system of being? 

It really hurts! and i have no where to go!

I don't want sympathy. All I want is a direction to where I would meet goodness...

Something I try to ignore

Well my previous blog post is rather phishing @#$!
Heard like four days ago my elder brother is sick. I haven't contacted him for ages!
It's not like I don't care. I just couldn't bring myself to speak to him. Maybe I'm too stubborn. Mom is planning to come here to the capital and meet up before brother gets the surgery done. I get annoyed by the fact that life deals with mom into situation I wouldn't want to let her get into. She thinks that something is not right because life just seems to throw us lemons. LOL! I want to laugh! That is all I can do now~ Lemonade!
It hurts when I can do anything for them. But then hurts more when I pretend to.

i'm so scared!

My Father called me! That's like a big thing in my life. He seems to be worried about me. I can't find a job. And preparing for my masters seems so grim. I want to cry.
Lol! All I did was laugh as I'm sick of crying. I won't come out anymore.
Anyways I decided I'll finish my portfolio for my master and see where stand. It will break me or make it. God Help me!

Today I spend my time making shoe art and cramelldansen. I'm dying to upload it!
Till then hoping for better!

feeling alright :)

I feel Like I'm progressing but slowly!
Any how I must not give up. Just another day to live my life to fullest though I don't know what it means.

Getting by! A story cannot be told but can be seen in her eyes!

As lazy I can be

I struggling with fatigue and sleepiness. I realize I should work out as in do some yoga and other health related stuff to keep me fresh. I'm still yawning as I write this. Gaawd I have to finish so many stuffs! 

I'm down right lazy these days. Planning to buy an energy drink or coffee( though it doesn't effect me) to keep my heart beat fast, to keep me going with my work.

OH! LORD! I need You to throw a lightening ball of freshness to help me work to complete what I have left.

misconception of a girl who never liked attention

I got a call from a well known man in our community and we spoke about my life. I obviously tired to deviate the topic but then he stated bluntly so that he gets the point straight. But he got it all wrong. His intention was to bring back to my own people and stop their views about me and me about them. He thought that I was ignorant and wants to enjoy my life. If he ever read this blog he might have not utter a word that I have been living a live of bliss. This was all just that I live in a posh area of the state. Was it? with none of my kind around?

This all happen when I met my own people and had some few conversations. They asked me where i live and told them. All I saw was the look of *oh!* I never knew just of that name can make me feel filthy rich. I didn't feel anything great about it though. I was regretting the moment I utter it.

I have a bad experience with my own people when I was getting used to in the capital. It's just because of them I shifted to a place where I get my own space. They were psycho! I regretted even staying there but I thought since it was my brother's girlfriend, I stayed. It made me mentally disturbed. So I left for good. The rumors I heard was pathetic. Anyways my sister and my mother was there by my side when my brother was being a loser. So was most of the people who knew me.

I want to get back with my own people as much as I want to make some good friends in my life worth dying for. But right now I'm a mess trying to make good use of each day, barely doing anything productive. To start all over again will be an apocalyptic event for me.

I wish I could put them in their hands and show it but this is not art. And even if it is an art the interpretation will never match the true feeling unless they hear or see it for themselves in progress.

I might even speak with mom tomorrow about this. I have no where else to seek advice. I don't want to trouble her with some nonsense. But I can't shove any more things inside me anymore. I will die with regret.

All he said was enough for me to understand what he wanted me to understand but it's not only his view but the rest who have thought the same.

What do I do?

trying to list what I have done, remember and help me understand.

I don't look down on my own people.

I barely have deep connection since as a child. But I always liked them.

I did make good friends during my childhood summer and Christmas days.

I know my own mother tongue better than the common language.

I never act pricey. I might not be emotionally connected but I'm not arrogant at all.

I need my own space. In my community everyone is with everyone's whereabouts.

They are very strong but I'm not.

My way of things in life and thinking is so different. But I never felt wrong about them.

What do I do?

Where have I gone wrong?

I'm in a middle to start my new artsydoom land when I get this that is worrying me so bad.

What do i do?

I have new art blog Yay!

Brief story:

I have a new art blog now! Planning to make as much ArtsyDoom land a better place for me!

I thought of drawing a robot before drifting off two days back. The next day I've forgotten about it and went to a mall meant for only Elite class and bought a robot junk jewelry from *forever21* darn! I forgot to take a picture to upload it! When I got back home I drew it and day dream about Mr.Lover_Robot and decided to do a vector art. *___* And I've done it!

If any one on this planet or even from other solar systems stumble upon my blog (it's not surprising that no one does! O__O) you can come and drop by see it ^___^

http://astuteinbrilliantgreen.blogspot.com/

I will be making patterns and brushes for free very soon till then wish me goodness! \m/(^__^)\m/ Rock and roll! hehehe! this phrase doesn't suit me at all!

managing another blog for my art

I have decided to put my depressed junk in one and the *artsydoom* in another by creating another account. Well I'm trying to work my butt off! I have finally change my room mates. My mother called and told me I sound happy! And i am happy! I feel so much better from past three days. Now i feel so comfortable and finally can work anytime I want without any odd atmosphere. I think I came out of a really dark cave. My mind seems fresher and I breathe fresh air and again I'm so excited to read Paulo Coelho Aleph which i mention in my other blog. I will be more active there in terms of art and books. Here I will be writing my unfortunate or fortunate events. But I hope for good days a head. So I will be hardly writing any depressing things and make my life full with whatever I have and I wouldn't complain. But I'll be keep writing here, as this has been a place to express my feelings and let go of my psycho brain. I will be in touch but with colors in my hand no matter what situation I get into. So Let the Universe be by my side and help me be a better soul. Look out for me!

Slapped by the fact and uncomfortable with observing eyes

I needed to write this or I'll have BiTtERnESS grow inside me. I have been subjected to bad performance in life. I agree! I have become total freak who just won't like to do anything. I'm trying to figure it out and My mom is still encouraging me even though I told her I am not doing anything. I just wants to end this phase but I get pulled in. "tHe mENtAL bLOCk" Gaawd! I would Swear!

That is the root of the situation. And then comes those people WhO jUSt wON'T keeP ThEiR EyeS Or EarS Off mE. I never can work in front of them. I get the very baD vibES when they just keep passing me by. I decided to work when they are not around. They keep up with their QueStioNs in such a way to know what the situation I'm going through. ThEY jUSt wANt to kNOw as much as possible. I'm even having the GuTs to write this when they are with me. I even come across in a conversation about me when I'm not participating it. I'm getting pARaNoid. I'm in a situation that I struggling to cope up with my LiFe and this makes it seems to make me more inFeRior and pEssiMistiC.

I dON't cAre what they their life is all about or is not bothered to know. I'm happy if they are and sad if they are not. But they don't think like that. I'm tiRed of tHis. I can't even put across in words. I'm piSSed and uNcoMfoRtaBle. I don't want to be like them starting off with some RAndOM CrAp about them with my friends. I would lOvE to but nO. That is not how we settle it. I've learn something and I'm just going to FigHT mY oWn DemONs and wouldn't care if they are really so interested in life. I would laugh and say they are jobless and I know I'm jOBleSs bUt nOt liKe thEM!

I wONdeR whAt mAKes thEm "thEm"! ?

Yui one more time

Her inspiring simple lyrics and melody always makes me play her songs everyday. I never get sick and tried of listening. It makes me daydream and helps me write too. I like singing and playing guitar but when no one is around. And it is her songs that I always strum to apart from Paramore, Lady GaGa and other random singers. It's not like I have a nice voice but Yeah! I enjoy singing to Yui's songs. It feels me with goodness inside. Wondering how I can sing it? Well I'm not Japanese but since I was a kid I had always been hooked with cartoons and animes. As a third child having my both parents working their lives out I decided to not go anywhere but just sit at home with my lovely caretaker. Moreover I had no friends though I tried. I'm not an Otaku nor a nerd. Anyways coming to understanding Japanese language is that I have been influenced with culture before I found songs inspiring. I wanted to draw what I watch and write those weird scripts that i never understood. I even like harajuku more outrageous as it is. So with the help of google and my time killing period I found Yui. I literally try to find translations, the translations are bad but I got the gist. These days the translations are way better than before. With a little knowledge of understanding the language and speaking it it is easier. Writing is a big leap that I still haven't tried (Lazy Arse That I am). So her first song that I heard was Goodbye days or Happyline, I don't remember which one was it. Then it was bleach theme song that Yui contribute Life and Rollingstar (love this song). Then As years pass by I followed her songs as she grew more matured and voice much better. Now *hello* is such a lovely song, silly lyrics but true about how you feel about this whole stupid cupid thingy would make you ;( I never felt anything lovey *cries*). Love the video too and she really has grown beautifully *_____* (I wish i was beautiful too). Anyways I await for her upcoming album *green alive* for her birth place that has gone through much tragedy. Till then I shall enjoy her present songs.

IT

It’s feels empty. Me!

I’m uncertain of what I really want to do.

I don’t want my love ones be trouble by what I’m going through.

It’s total idleness. By making my days pass by something I can’t get. I feel like I spending aimlessly thinking and dreaming what I want. And what I want doesn’t make sense. I myself don’t understand it.

I wonder why I am so complicated and all I ever think about has everything me in it. Am I scared what I’ll become of me tomorrow or just self obsessed.

Every day I get a chance to fight for tomorrow but I waste it like any other day. I hate to describe how I feel.

I want to come out of it and think about others. I wish I could fix my brain up but In vain.

I’m making friends here and helping them out how much I could with my heart on it and with whatever I could give. They are kind, fun, happy and we get along very well. But the end of the day I keep thinking about what I really want. And I realize I just don’t know. I thought this was because how I was left out during my childhood in school made me feel not worth trusting in people and made myself a really bad kid, that has strongly left me retarded and slow. But making friends has helped me a lot. I’m getting happy. Now I talk a lot and it surprises me at the end of the day. Now handshakes and holding hands have become so normal.

I guess I’m impatient to fill up my empty spaces with whatever I could.

I messed up

Today was absolutely numb, brain dead and drug day. I don't know how I could even manage to walk and give the test.

With fever and cold symptoms, I decided to give an interview and test for story board artist which turns out so bad that I want to bury my face. They gave me a a script to get to visuals in the form of a story board. I was like saying in my mind "I can do it!It's nothing new!" and when I started to read it I was like "Zingshowon I can't read anything! :O why can't i read this script and get going? Turns out my paracetamol tablets has punch my brain to rest and even made my eyes out of focus. I couldn't even read properly what was written. The only advantage that the pill gave me is,it stops my runny nose.

I never want to see the drawings again. The transitions was wrong (only released after being told). The sketches were shaky and hopelessly untidy. I had to give up before I could fall asleep in that office. I needed to duck out. I couldn't talk about if am hired or even talk about my salary. I was in the verge of puking. But fortunately gave me time to think about it and tell them.

Nevertheless I was alright and considered even after getting lost on the way, getting late for the interview,beating the rainy weather and dozing off on the way back home. And now I am happily blowing my nose!

I came to know Father is in hospital but it's his stomach not his lungs that got him admitted. No one told me from home. This was all after I came back from my interview. I called him and I know will get better. I know for sure!

i Forgot

I forgot this blog exist!!

Well I read my old post and I think it is so boring (Talking to myself....) though I'm happy that it's not empty.

Aaah! My Life is just boring!

I have been jobless for at least a month now after I couldn't take that assistant manager (i was more like a receptionist) life. I hate being in that position. But it was some kind of experience. I didn't fit in there.

Since then I've been looking for work but to no avail. I guess I'm in a wrong track. I have been suffering from insomnia and I'm dealing this by playing my guitar, reading books about furniture design and packaging design. I decided to gain more knowledge about the field that will hopefully open to me and get to know were I stand.

I'm so scared about my MA application for next year as it is I missed this year, I'm awfully depressed about it. But in a way when i look at my graduate works, it looks so shabby. So I'm modifying my portfolio all over again.

The reason I'm slacking is my laziness and no one to talk to. I give up easily these days. But then looking at mom and dad, I pinch myself out of my gloomy world.

I'm trying to bring good life through my work. But it has just started and I'm already irritated thinking what if I suck! :O My work as in my portfolio. I seriously need to start from the scratch. There is so much to do and got to learn so much more.

Now the problem arises with my gloominess is money. No matter how much you have it never stays. I'm embarrassed to tell mom that I ain't have a penny. She knows before I could even tell her. So again she has been providing me. I always told her I'll take care of her but it was always the other way round.

I'm even scared if i could make it next year. My opportunities so far looks grim. BTW! My comp is still conk! Sigh! Why can't anything be genuine when I shelled out so much amount for it?

I hate reading this. I realize I never really had a moment of rejoice in my life. I feel like such a stupid drama queen or female who ca't get her life without disappointments. I feel like I'm self centered whenever I talk about these things because all I can talk about is me, my and I.

Baah! I thought I'll start with something nice and end with something nice, turns out to be like the usual again.

Maybe I should make another Blog something not related to me at all but something to do with the world. I guess this blog is only meant for me to just punch out my thoughts out to have peace of mind. Sigh! Wish I was some kind of Genius to invent something. Randomness!!

what i think about most today...

Today is 25th of march 2011 after my insane venting out through writing, I remember that my Ielts result will be out today. I want to go to the corner and cry right now. But thinking about my Dad, I know where to set my prayers first. He had fell severe ill with asthma along with fewer and his medical results will be out today. I pray that he is normal and that everything will be just fine with him. Both mom (taking care of my dad) and dad is in the hospital ......while am howling about my life.....i wish i was with him right now....feel a bit closer to him and not worry about anything but him....

a mess?

a continuation..
Where have I gone wrong? I cannot figure this out. I sometimes wish that I want to be those people who gets their life going on smoothly without any haste or any trouble on their way. Like their life is so good that they seems to get by everyday. These are only few people who get their things done effortlessly. What do they have that I don't have? how do they get it while I have to push myself or find no option till i needed to cry. Now that my life is spinning so fast, I can't breathe nor can I think for a second. Every decision i made is falling apart. I can't get a grip of what is more important and what is right. I fear that I'm going to go insane. Things like my computer gets conked every time while i paid half a lakh for it. My college gave me nothing but time to kill experimenting with art. Everything I learn was by making mistakes in everything I do. Even writing this makes my hand tremble with sadness and fear. I've tried to do my best in whatever I learned. Since my college days I've turn insecure and lazy, afraid to break out of my cave. I hate myself in everything I do. Sometimes I wonder that an asylum suits me better to settle in. How can I proof anyone that my college didn't provide me proper education. Now that I've graduated, my juniors are learning so many things that my college didn't even introduce it to my badge. I feel ashamed even holding my certificate. Because deep down I know "it is a piece of shit". It hurts to even write something bad about my college but I can't help it any longer. Where have I gone into? What a mess my portfolio is! Will anyone accept it and let me in their universities.Apart from my college,my sickness, every time and every month,I get sick for no reasons. Oh! how am I suppose to deal with it. Just when i feel better, I fall ill. What on earth am I in? I feel I'm so wrong, like I was born wrong? Something went off......??
What is that I cannot succeed for once in my life and be normal? A life I have only one and not more. How am I suppose to know of what i could do?
I always say to myself let it go and "It happens" "for good" but it all comes back in. I always find myself asking "why everything gangs up on me?" I feel like a lump and helpless. Now that it happens all the time, my tears couldn't come out easy anymore.
I don't want to miss my studies this year, I want it so bad, I want to learn and excel but how am i suppose to make it happen? how am i suppose to tell the universities Oh! my computer, My health! My life is screwed!! Please consider me? *A SLAP ON MY FACE IT IS*
I don't know where to go......whom to be able to talk to....no one....it is my decision to make...isn't it......But look at me.....I am a mess!

inferiority_complex

More than inferior complex

The brain of mine have jumbled world to find

Along the missing letters lie the clues

But poor little brain had not long used

It twitched a little to get started

Long hours of reviving, the world has parted

Blame not the age of mine

But something along the line

My inferiority complex gave a lump

That my life was in a crumb

I never felt ease within

In school I had never fit in

Slow poke I was

Withdrawn by many distrust

Wondered all my life

If I was able to cut bad parts with knife

Abandon in my misery for a reason I still cannot explain

But tried to do my best in whatever I can

I smiled in my misfit thinking it was cooler

As it dragged on, I depressed myself sooner

I walked to the gloomy side, there no one bothers

I was like the freak lurking in corner

As I watch my life in the midst of making tomorrow passes by

I bit my prime life a bitter goodbye.