if i never see morning again

It’s tearing everyday

I hate what I love now

I can’t find the reasons that is making me sad

I seriously don’t know

Where do I go?

I’m trying to figure it out

I feel like I don’t want to live anymore

I don’t want to do something stupid either

I’m not a fool

I wrote my dreams in a jar some months back

It holds meaning to it anf it’s not a love song to a boy

(Like those who read thought)

It’s a song where I want to belong..

A place where I wishes to meet that goodness

A place I feel I cannot go no matter what

So far away or so opposite…

Like we can never collide

Like I can never merge with goodness

Like I cannot touch it

All I could do about this feeling was write it before I break down

I cannot be honest with myself about feelings

I cannot stand baring my heart in a sleeve

I can’t find the reason to live

I feel so cold now

My dreams in a jar …. I can only dream of you bursting out of me

I wish I can find my path but I guess I never will

If I never see morning again

I would like to give away some parts of me to people who need to be fixed

With that at least mom and dad will be happy

At least I’m of some use

I don’t want to be hero or savior but I want to be in their eyes

I feel like wearing my vero moda sweat shirt though it’s still autumn.. winter haven’t strike yet

I think I’ll wear that and sleep today

Maybe I’ll dream good

If I never see morning again

What would I have missed?

I wouldn’t missed anything but I would never experience love

Something so absurd to me to understand

All those in the movies and my roomies spend the entire day…everyday talking/crying/laughing/blushing about

I’m ok with that

I’m better off imagining it

I have pretty strong imagination to take me away to this feeling

But I can never picture myself

If I never see morning again

The world will still move on

I would like that way with my dear ones too

Laugh at my funeral I would be happy soul

Crying is no no

If I never see morning again

I pray that the designer repairs me and think of a new design

If I never see morning again

I have no regrets..

here is my Dreams in a jar

if the path of life for me

and the path of life for you

Are two world's apart;

I cannot help but dream.

The wishes to get a glimpse of you,

wishes to get as much time;

Are something i cannot buy.

So i treasure my dream in a transparent jar

When every time i forget my prayers,

feels so fast or slow and even when my hope fades;

I will shake the jar and open it

waiting for it to burst....

If the path of life for me has no way to you

I cannot help but dream

The wishes to get a glimpse of you

Wishes to get as much time

Are something i cannot get.

So I treasure my dream in a transparent jar

When i see myself go astray for not being able to put across my feelings

with honest truth of admiration and your kindness

I will shake the jar and open it

waiting for it to burst...

if the path of life for me

and the path of life for you

are impossible to confront;

I cannot help but just dream

The wishes to catch a glimpse of you

wishes to show I'm willing to get some time

Are something i cannot afford.

So I treasure my dream in a transparent jar

when the world of mine is dry and windy,

rains or all the leaves fall till nothing is left on a tree

 I will shake the jar and open it

Waiting for it to burst...

I have to go and captain america

I have packed my bags and I'm still in this room thinking.
I will miss this place so much!
I might take some pics with me.
I'll be staying at my cousins place for a while now.
I'm still trying to finish my portfolio.
So I won't be that much having fun from now on.
I got to stop playing games or at least play games for an hour..not more than that.
Saying this I just watched Captain America. I really enjoyed watching it.

awesome movie poster!!

what would you do it you meet a red skull on your way? !! Eeks!
I would jeez in my pants and died!

Great Villain! ^___^ 

Common that is not muscles! Those are man boobs! He can wear a bra!I'm actually uncomfortable because his are bigger than mine! And I'm a female O___O!
I still don't know this actor's name! Though I think he was in fantastic five!

One of the scenes! I find this lady very pretty!

I got to google her and found out that her name is Hayley Atwell! ^___^

Oh My brother is doing fine. It has been ages since I have talked to him after his kidney stone operation.

he has got three tubes inserted around his body! eeks!

And that is his room number.

I joke about how it is possible to be in a situation where I bribe the doctors to sell his organs and share the amount of money and become rich. He tried not to laugh because whenever he laughs he gets a sharp pain below. So i stopped joking. O___O

After I met him I felt better. And after that I never spoke to him :)...

I know he is doing just fine.... I just know...i shouldn't be concern about his condition anymore!

Coldplay's New album

I found two good songs and it is by Cold play
Hope you the bloggers and the world love these songs too.

The girl who dream of paradise! <3

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach

So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para-para-paradise

And the bullets catching her teeth
Life goes on it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night she closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night away she flies
and Dreams of para-para-paradise

Every tear is a waterfall

I TURN THE MUSIC UP, I GOT MY RECORDS ON
I SHUT THE WORLD OUTSIDE UNTIL THE LIGHTS COME ON
MAYBE THE STREETS ALIGHT, MAYBE THE TREES ARE GONE

I TURN THE MUSIC UP, I GOT MY RECORDS ON
FROM UNDERNEATH THE RUBBLE SING A REBEL SONG
DON'T WANT TO SEE ANOTHER GENERATION DROP
I'D RATHER BE A COMMA THAN A FULL STOP

MAYBE I'M IN THE BLACK, MAYBE I'M ON MY KNEES
MAYBE I'M IN THE GAP BETWEEN THE TWO TRAPEZES
BUT MY HEART IS BEATING AND MY PULSES START
CATHEDRALS IN MY HEART

AND WE SAW OH THIS LIGHT I SWEAR YOU, EMERGE BLINKING INTO
TO TELL ME IT'S ALRIGHT
AS WE SOAR WALLS, EVERY SIREN IS A SYMPHONYAND EVERY TEAR'S A WATERFALL
IS A WATERFALL
OH
IS A WATERFALL
OH OH OH
IS A IS A WATERFALL
EVERY TEAR
IS A WATERFALL
OH OH OH

SO YOU CAN HURT, HURT ME BAD
BUT STILL I'LL RAISE THE FLAG

feeling blue

Today all I could do was to be quiet the whole day so I could not feel so horrible about my situation.

I rather live a busy life than being just shut in a room becoming duller and duller. Get darker in my mood and feel miserable.

I have reached a stage of no ideas to work on my portfolio. But I'm still trying to make it no matter how. It is dragging. I just want to get over with it.

But I decided I should take time to make it better. But I don't want to do this anymore.

I was wondering or rather wishing if I could get something different when I wake up. If the same things repeat I was wishing I would rather live in my dreams or just not wake up. It sounds scary.

I have been told I'm always complaining. They are right. But I never told them.  

Gosh I still have to move my things out. I was laughing at the situation where I'm most likely to drag my things down to my cousins place. 

I'm worried if I will fit in. I need to get a chance to live on my own. Right now it looks grim. 

I will miss my present place. The area so safe that you could walk all alone in the park in the middle of the night. 

When I'm hungry around 10 to 11 o'clock in the night. I can just walk all alone to a store for something to munch or drink ,where you get everything and it is 24 hours open. 

The place is so secure and filled with security to look after late hours. 

Now the place I'm going to stay will be a 360 turn. I will be now literally inside a room with my computer. I won't able to go for a walk or go anywhere at night time all by myself. Even the morning outside will be worry some. 

I will miss the freedom.

I need to do something about it soon.

rough patches of brass.

I believe so few

I wish so many but i never ask (God)

could it be of having a small heart....

Is it so unfair to be a person of no importance for the world?

Is it too big for the little things to be push down lower and lower to make rooms for the big and bright ones ?

What can The SUn not do ? I wanted to know....

I cannot be the Sun 

What can The MOOn not do? I wanted to know

I cannot be the Moon

I'm just a rough patches of brass of an old artisan's craft who made me slowly ...

I'm hollow inside waiting to be filled

With an eyes so transparant that no one can understand anything but sees a knoted piece of thread perching out from the hollow....

I realized today that I'm not born naturally perfect

And I can do nothing about it

I'm not talking about my physical structure but me as a whole that makes me!

No one can do anything about it

I have already made a desicion  

So you should stop adding up  pieces of things on me....

It's of no use because I'm already made complete

so this what I got to say...

I want to be of some part of goodness..

I want to be like the lantern .....when the world  pushes you lower and lower that they cover you from the Sun and the moon of the skies...

I want to  light the darkest part of the lane. I want to lead  you as long as I can...

So Please light the fire in me!

My Birthday!

At around 12:00 Midnight, the light turned off  all of a sudden and I turned my back from my computer. I was so shocked to see candles glowing and my roomies now my very good friends (5 months) singing the birthday song. I was so happy I couldn't talk. All I could do was shudder with happiness. I was shaking so bad. Then I got tons of hugs an kisses *laughs*. We blew the candles off, cut cake and then they fed me half of the entire cake. My face was filled with cream. I really look like a ghost. I wanted to cry but the tears had gone somewhere down my throat. I treasure the gifts that they have given it to me. But what caught me most is the green post-it. The things they wrote Gaawd! I was so happy. I never thought anyone would think so much for me. Looking at myself in terms of how I am. I was so shaken that I couldn't cut the cake properly. It sounds too dramatic but I was in a state of surprised but mostly in happy-land. I couldn't get the pic of the cake Because it was all eaten up by me and I completely forgot. Here are the glimpse of what I got.

my new tiger bank!

The birthday card is so cute
 and my froggy sharpener is now a part of my stationary family. 

I got Red_Bull ^___^

                                         

Guess they knew that I eat a lot and the things I love.
There you see my heart shape locket. It is not the one I wanted.
But t is heart locket has become the ONE I WILL ALWAYS
Treasure and will always be the BEST!

                             

My another Pauolo Coelho Book. "The Zakhir" I never read.
Yesterday I read the 33 pages. ^__^

What made me very happy and very sad was this. I never wanted to leave but I have no choice.
I'm moving out. They called me "Chinky" for my Oriental features. ZINGU-PINGU because it rhymes.
  But I really didn't get offended.
They don't mean anything harmful. I LOVE THEM TOO!

I'm so happy I finally made friends and I like them. No I LOve them! I'm Happy! Very Happy!

Thank YOU So much!

germination

What would it be like when you live your life to your fullest each day? 

What is it that makes you so influenced and makes you go ahead?

I wish I have this in me every day.

I wish I was a little stronger to not shun my hope to pieces.

I want to live life like I can see the warmness of goodness already. A feeling or a picture, even a sound of goodness would be nice to make me go forward. I'm not even asking for an immediate result.

I want a direction because I'm so lost that I'm groping in the darkness.

I don't want this feeling of death in my soul.

I'm hurt to know that I'm in a condition where my soul is dying not my body. 

I have been hating everything now. I hate what I love to do the most. 

My mental state is somewhere I can't dream anymore.

I'm always in a room regretting everything. Wasting my time and repeating it over and over.

I want to end this. But don't know how?

i drew this "the germination process"

The seed grows in time when in proper care with various elements that helps it grow.

What has stopped me to grow? What element that went missing or what wrong element has got into my system of being? 

It really hurts! and i have no where to go!

I don't want sympathy. All I want is a direction to where I would meet goodness...