Yui one more time

Her inspiring simple lyrics and melody always makes me play her songs everyday. I never get sick and tried of listening. It makes me daydream and helps me write too. I like singing and playing guitar but when no one is around. And it is her songs that I always strum to apart from Paramore, Lady GaGa and other random singers. It's not like I have a nice voice but Yeah! I enjoy singing to Yui's songs. It feels me with goodness inside. Wondering how I can sing it? Well I'm not Japanese but since I was a kid I had always been hooked with cartoons and animes. As a third child having my both parents working their lives out I decided to not go anywhere but just sit at home with my lovely caretaker. Moreover I had no friends though I tried. I'm not an Otaku nor a nerd. Anyways coming to understanding Japanese language is that I have been influenced with culture before I found songs inspiring. I wanted to draw what I watch and write those weird scripts that i never understood. I even like harajuku more outrageous as it is. So with the help of google and my time killing period I found Yui. I literally try to find translations, the translations are bad but I got the gist. These days the translations are way better than before. With a little knowledge of understanding the language and speaking it it is easier. Writing is a big leap that I still haven't tried (Lazy Arse That I am). So her first song that I heard was Goodbye days or Happyline, I don't remember which one was it. Then it was bleach theme song that Yui contribute Life and Rollingstar (love this song). Then As years pass by I followed her songs as she grew more matured and voice much better. Now *hello* is such a lovely song, silly lyrics but true about how you feel about this whole stupid cupid thingy would make you ;( I never felt anything lovey *cries*). Love the video too and she really has grown beautifully *_____* (I wish i was beautiful too). Anyways I await for her upcoming album *green alive* for her birth place that has gone through much tragedy. Till then I shall enjoy her present songs.

IT

It’s feels empty. Me!

I’m uncertain of what I really want to do.

I don’t want my love ones be trouble by what I’m going through.

It’s total idleness. By making my days pass by something I can’t get. I feel like I spending aimlessly thinking and dreaming what I want. And what I want doesn’t make sense. I myself don’t understand it.

I wonder why I am so complicated and all I ever think about has everything me in it. Am I scared what I’ll become of me tomorrow or just self obsessed.

Every day I get a chance to fight for tomorrow but I waste it like any other day. I hate to describe how I feel.

I want to come out of it and think about others. I wish I could fix my brain up but In vain.

I’m making friends here and helping them out how much I could with my heart on it and with whatever I could give. They are kind, fun, happy and we get along very well. But the end of the day I keep thinking about what I really want. And I realize I just don’t know. I thought this was because how I was left out during my childhood in school made me feel not worth trusting in people and made myself a really bad kid, that has strongly left me retarded and slow. But making friends has helped me a lot. I’m getting happy. Now I talk a lot and it surprises me at the end of the day. Now handshakes and holding hands have become so normal.

I guess I’m impatient to fill up my empty spaces with whatever I could.

I messed up

Today was absolutely numb, brain dead and drug day. I don't know how I could even manage to walk and give the test.

With fever and cold symptoms, I decided to give an interview and test for story board artist which turns out so bad that I want to bury my face. They gave me a a script to get to visuals in the form of a story board. I was like saying in my mind "I can do it!It's nothing new!" and when I started to read it I was like "Zingshowon I can't read anything! :O why can't i read this script and get going? Turns out my paracetamol tablets has punch my brain to rest and even made my eyes out of focus. I couldn't even read properly what was written. The only advantage that the pill gave me is,it stops my runny nose.

I never want to see the drawings again. The transitions was wrong (only released after being told). The sketches were shaky and hopelessly untidy. I had to give up before I could fall asleep in that office. I needed to duck out. I couldn't talk about if am hired or even talk about my salary. I was in the verge of puking. But fortunately gave me time to think about it and tell them.

Nevertheless I was alright and considered even after getting lost on the way, getting late for the interview,beating the rainy weather and dozing off on the way back home. And now I am happily blowing my nose!

I came to know Father is in hospital but it's his stomach not his lungs that got him admitted. No one told me from home. This was all after I came back from my interview. I called him and I know will get better. I know for sure!

i Forgot

I forgot this blog exist!!

Well I read my old post and I think it is so boring (Talking to myself....) though I'm happy that it's not empty.

Aaah! My Life is just boring!

I have been jobless for at least a month now after I couldn't take that assistant manager (i was more like a receptionist) life. I hate being in that position. But it was some kind of experience. I didn't fit in there.

Since then I've been looking for work but to no avail. I guess I'm in a wrong track. I have been suffering from insomnia and I'm dealing this by playing my guitar, reading books about furniture design and packaging design. I decided to gain more knowledge about the field that will hopefully open to me and get to know were I stand.

I'm so scared about my MA application for next year as it is I missed this year, I'm awfully depressed about it. But in a way when i look at my graduate works, it looks so shabby. So I'm modifying my portfolio all over again.

The reason I'm slacking is my laziness and no one to talk to. I give up easily these days. But then looking at mom and dad, I pinch myself out of my gloomy world.

I'm trying to bring good life through my work. But it has just started and I'm already irritated thinking what if I suck! :O My work as in my portfolio. I seriously need to start from the scratch. There is so much to do and got to learn so much more.

Now the problem arises with my gloominess is money. No matter how much you have it never stays. I'm embarrassed to tell mom that I ain't have a penny. She knows before I could even tell her. So again she has been providing me. I always told her I'll take care of her but it was always the other way round.

I'm even scared if i could make it next year. My opportunities so far looks grim. BTW! My comp is still conk! Sigh! Why can't anything be genuine when I shelled out so much amount for it?

I hate reading this. I realize I never really had a moment of rejoice in my life. I feel like such a stupid drama queen or female who ca't get her life without disappointments. I feel like I'm self centered whenever I talk about these things because all I can talk about is me, my and I.

Baah! I thought I'll start with something nice and end with something nice, turns out to be like the usual again.

Maybe I should make another Blog something not related to me at all but something to do with the world. I guess this blog is only meant for me to just punch out my thoughts out to have peace of mind. Sigh! Wish I was some kind of Genius to invent something. Randomness!!

what i think about most today...

Today is 25th of march 2011 after my insane venting out through writing, I remember that my Ielts result will be out today. I want to go to the corner and cry right now. But thinking about my Dad, I know where to set my prayers first. He had fell severe ill with asthma along with fewer and his medical results will be out today. I pray that he is normal and that everything will be just fine with him. Both mom (taking care of my dad) and dad is in the hospital ......while am howling about my life.....i wish i was with him right now....feel a bit closer to him and not worry about anything but him....

a mess?

a continuation..
Where have I gone wrong? I cannot figure this out. I sometimes wish that I want to be those people who gets their life going on smoothly without any haste or any trouble on their way. Like their life is so good that they seems to get by everyday. These are only few people who get their things done effortlessly. What do they have that I don't have? how do they get it while I have to push myself or find no option till i needed to cry. Now that my life is spinning so fast, I can't breathe nor can I think for a second. Every decision i made is falling apart. I can't get a grip of what is more important and what is right. I fear that I'm going to go insane. Things like my computer gets conked every time while i paid half a lakh for it. My college gave me nothing but time to kill experimenting with art. Everything I learn was by making mistakes in everything I do. Even writing this makes my hand tremble with sadness and fear. I've tried to do my best in whatever I learned. Since my college days I've turn insecure and lazy, afraid to break out of my cave. I hate myself in everything I do. Sometimes I wonder that an asylum suits me better to settle in. How can I proof anyone that my college didn't provide me proper education. Now that I've graduated, my juniors are learning so many things that my college didn't even introduce it to my badge. I feel ashamed even holding my certificate. Because deep down I know "it is a piece of shit". It hurts to even write something bad about my college but I can't help it any longer. Where have I gone into? What a mess my portfolio is! Will anyone accept it and let me in their universities.Apart from my college,my sickness, every time and every month,I get sick for no reasons. Oh! how am I suppose to deal with it. Just when i feel better, I fall ill. What on earth am I in? I feel I'm so wrong, like I was born wrong? Something went off......??
What is that I cannot succeed for once in my life and be normal? A life I have only one and not more. How am I suppose to know of what i could do?
I always say to myself let it go and "It happens" "for good" but it all comes back in. I always find myself asking "why everything gangs up on me?" I feel like a lump and helpless. Now that it happens all the time, my tears couldn't come out easy anymore.
I don't want to miss my studies this year, I want it so bad, I want to learn and excel but how am i suppose to make it happen? how am i suppose to tell the universities Oh! my computer, My health! My life is screwed!! Please consider me? *A SLAP ON MY FACE IT IS*
I don't know where to go......whom to be able to talk to....no one....it is my decision to make...isn't it......But look at me.....I am a mess!

inferiority_complex

More than inferior complex

The brain of mine have jumbled world to find

Along the missing letters lie the clues

But poor little brain had not long used

It twitched a little to get started

Long hours of reviving, the world has parted

Blame not the age of mine

But something along the line

My inferiority complex gave a lump

That my life was in a crumb

I never felt ease within

In school I had never fit in

Slow poke I was

Withdrawn by many distrust

Wondered all my life

If I was able to cut bad parts with knife

Abandon in my misery for a reason I still cannot explain

But tried to do my best in whatever I can

I smiled in my misfit thinking it was cooler

As it dragged on, I depressed myself sooner

I walked to the gloomy side, there no one bothers

I was like the freak lurking in corner

As I watch my life in the midst of making tomorrow passes by

I bit my prime life a bitter goodbye.